Sleeping arrangements
by Bookjunk
Summary: Here Fraser was in the Northwest Territories on an adventure with his best friend and he had no idea how to deal with a dying partner who wouldn't accept a slightly unusual sleeping arrangement, simply because it was unusual. Post-CotW.
1. Ch ch changes

**Chapter 1: Ch-ch-changes**

'Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray. Ray.'

Fraser was shaking his partner, until finally a confused Ray opened his eyes. His face was very pale with an unhealthy looking, blue-ish hue. His lips were also almost colourless. Add to this Ray's incessant trembling, even when he was asleep, and Fraser knew this did not bode well.

'Yeah, I'm up, Fraser. What?'

Fraser knew he had to approach the subject tactfully or Ray would be stubborn and that would mean that he would almost certainly die. He could of course overpower Ray, that would not be difficult with Ray in this weakened state, but force had never been Fraser's forte. Gentle persuasion suited him much better. Hesitantly, he glanced at the left side of the tent. The light outside was slowly waning.

'You seem to be cold, Ray.'

Shaking and haggard looking, Ray still managed a sarcastically raised brow.

'You think.'

'Yes, and I'm feeling a bit chilly myself too...'

'I'm freezing my ass off and you're a bit chilly; that's great.'

'...and I thought we could zip our sleeping bags together...'

This time Ray did not interrupt with a mocking remark, but Fraser paused all the same. Ray was staring at him and Fraser swallowed with some difficulty before continuing.

'...for body heat.'

Ray was still staring at him and he made Fraser nervous and Fraser was seldom, if ever, nervous, least of all out here in the Northwest Territories on an adventure with his best friend. If Ray refused... Well, he didn't really know what he would do then. He had no plan for how to deal with a dying partner who wouldn't accept a slightly unusual sleeping arrangement, because it _was_ slightly unusual. Fraser spoke again and his tone was tentative and questioning.

'Ray?'

'Yeah, I'm with you. But I can't...'

Fraser felt himself starting to panic and tried desperately to rein his growing fear in.

'But Ray you're exhibiting signs of hypothermia. If you died I would never...'

Ray shook his head at him and Fraser was exasperated at the indulgent expression on the face of his partner. Ray's face said, as clearly as if he had spoken, dude, you don't get it. But Ray was the one who didn't understand.

'No, you freak. My hands,' Ray offered and managed to lift them above the hem of his sleeping bag. Fraser just looked at them in confusion. What about his hands? They looked fine. Pale as usual, but strong and able. Though, now he looked more closely, he could see they didn't just look pale, they looked a bit blue too and awkward. Stiff.

'Your hands are stiff,' Fraser said as if in contemplation.

'Yes, they are cold, like the rest of me. I can't unzip my sleeping bag,' Ray explained.

Now it was Fraser's turn to stare at Ray. He hadn't expected it to be this easy to convince Ray to share a sleeping bag, because Ray was a tad weird about these sorts of things. Case in point, when they had been doing a word association game and Fraser has said 'closet'. Or when Ray accidentally had said that he loved him, because Fraser had proven Inspector Thatcher's suspicion wrong. Both times Ray had become a bit upset at the implications; in the first case he had balked at Fraser's question of 'closet,' and in the second case he had backtracked immediately, insisting he meant symbolically or something.

So, Fraser was always extra careful with Ray, when it came to emotional and physical intimacy, because he did not want Ray to freak out, which Ray would surely do now, which he had expected. But his suggestion only encountered compliance. Perhaps the new situation was producing a change in Ray. After all, there were only the two of them and the chances of emotional and physical contact was far and few between. There were layers and layers of clothing even between most of their skin and the cold air. Fraser knew he was in his element, but Ray was different. Despite his objections to the contrary, Ray liked people. He liked being around them and talking to them. Now there was no one around for miles, so they could only talk to each other and Ray was forced to listen to his stories about the Inuit and obscure snowstorms and freaky arrests. Fraser had anticipated an increased grumpiness in Ray, because he knew his stories did not charm Ray. However, he had only noticed a mild dismay stirring in Ray whenever his stories featured someone licking something.

The most surprising development had been Ray's gradual advancement as far as touching was concerned. These days Ray seemed to crave physical contact. Fraser thought the change was progress. It made him feel closer to Ray, as if they were becoming even better partners, as if they were becoming better attuned to each other. It was just...better. With Fraser's mother gone and his father also gone for all intents and purposes, his childhood had not been one of kisses and hugs. His grandmother was affectionate, but not a cuddly woman at all, so Fraser was not a natural at the physical side of social interaction. He had learned to touch other people to reassure them or confirm something, because he saw how much could be contained in a simple handshake or pat, but it still did not come naturally to him. And with Ray he had realised early on that any kind of closeness would be met with apprehension, thus the change in Ray had at first been bewildering to him. The new closeness was strange to him, simply because he was unused to it. For most of his life it had been him and nature and then him and Diefenbaker, who, though women always found him cuddly, did not require that kind of contact either. Fraser liked being alone, he did not need the warmth and the touching, but Ray clearly did.

Nowadays, whenever they left the tent Ray was always sliding very closely past him and grinning at him when he managed to get outside first. Or, when they prepared for a meal and Ray handed him his utensils Ray would always lightly touch his hand. At first Fraser had merely thought Ray could handle the cutlery better without his gloves on, but after a while he had taken his gloves off too, so their bare hands met. Ray seemed to like it and Fraser was fascinated to find himself labelling the physical contact 'nice.' Also, Ray enjoyed hoisting the hood of Fraser's parka over Fraser's head. He would stand nice and close and put both his hands over Fraser's shoulders and pull the hood up. All the time Fraser would feel his breath on his face and Ray would smile at him. Ray's behaviour was a definite improvement in Fraser's book. Plus, it was only natural if you thought about it. In Chicago, though Ray didn't have much in the way of a personal life, a good-looking man like him must have enjoyed dates and the intimacy that followed afterwards. So now, surrounded by snow and ice and biting winds he had turned to the only one able to provide him with any contact: Fraser.


	2. Tired of toeing the line

**Chapter 2: Tired of toeing the line**

'Fraser? Are we gonna do this today or what?'

Fraser focused on the present and found Ray impatiently looking up at him. His hands were tugging at the zipper, but not making much leeway.

'I'd better help you with that,' Fraser answered and moved Ray's chilled hands, ignoring Ray muttering 'you'd better.'

He expertly unzipped Ray's sleeping bag, then shuffled closer in his own sleeping bag and unzipped that one too. Ray was watching him intently, still shivering intensely. Fraser noticed his own hands were suddenly trembling a bit too. Stop it, he thought, and continued. Swiftly, he joined the two sleeping bags in the middle and zipped them into one. Ray had put down his head again and it seemed he was drifting off again. Fraser took Ray's hands and started to rub them between his own. They really were dreadfully cold, though Fraser could feel the heat of his body slowly impacting the temperate in the sleeping bag.

'Hmm, that's nice,' Ray murmured and unfazed Fraser continued to work on his hands. Very, very slowly, much slower than Fraser would have liked, circulation returned to normal in Ray's hands and they started to warm up. The rest of Ray, however, was still going through a routine that was frightening to Fraser. Ray would lie still, then suddenly have a fit of shivers and lie still again. The light outside was fading fast now.

'Fraser, how about that body heat?'

Fraser furrowed his brow and stopped rubbing Ray's hands. Ray opened his eyes and looked at him expectantly.

'This is no time to get prudish on me, Fraser. I'm dying, remember. And it's just standard procedure, like buddy breathing. Come on,' Ray said light-heartedly while he opened his arms to receive Fraser. Fraser silently admonished himself for procrastinating again with his friend's life in danger, but he needed the time to control his body. Finally he came closer and wrapped his arms around Ray. Ray shifted a bit, until his head came to rest on Fraser's chest, with his left arm lying on Fraser's stomach. Fraser also shifted a bit, so he could lie comfortably on his back, supporting the weight of Ray, who was draped over him and around him. He also refrained from putting too much pressure on Ray's other arm, which was under him. It felt as if Ray was everywhere. They were silent for a long time, but the breathing of neither of them slowed enough for them to have fallen asleep.

'I'm sorry, Fraser,' Ray mumbled into his chest. Fraser discovered he found the sensation not unpleasant.

'Sorry for what?'

'For dragging you into this adventure. I thought it would be different.'

'In what sense?'

Ray took a deep breath. Fraser was unhappy to find the shivering was still continuing and even through his own red Mountie underwear and Ray's thick black sweater, wife beater, sweatpants and boxers he could feel how cold Ray must be.

'I thought it would be like the song you sang when we were trapped. Romantic and brave, like people would write songs about us later too,' Ray almost whispered and Fraser shivered involuntarily.

'Well, I don't think I had gotten to the part with the broken bones yet, so I think it might be my fault for misrepresenting it,' Fraser said and he gripped Ray tighter as another shivering fit went through him.

'No, it was a lousy idea, something a child would think of. A stupid dream,' Ray protested angrily. Fraser just held him in his arms.

'Fraser?'

'Yes, Ray?'

'I'm still cold.'

'I can feel that.'

The two were silent for a moment. Fraser had no idea how he knew, but he knew Ray was going to be the one to suggest it. He held his breath and kept his lips pressed together, while Ray's body trembled more violently against his. It must be exhausting to have so little control over the movements of your body, Fraser thought and grimaced. He could barely see his surroundings any more. In a few minutes it would be completely dark. Ray was taking a long time. Perhaps because he had difficulty asking what he was going to ask, perhaps the hypothermia was affecting his mental faculties, perhaps he was never going to ask anything, perhaps it was all in Fraser's mind.

'Doesn't your Mountie wisdom tell you that body heat thing would work better if we would be unclothed?' Ray finally asked and Fraser breathed a shallow sigh of relief. Unfortunately, his relief did not last long, because Ray misinterpreted his sigh.

'It did. But you don't want to,' Ray reasoned and Ray's voice sounded so frail suddenly. Another surge of violent shivers plagued his body and afterwards he slumped against Fraser as if he was about to give up.

'No, Ray! I thought it would make you uncomfortable,' Fraser explained quickly and though it was becoming harder to distinguish things in the dark he could see how difficult it was for Ray to slowly prop himself up.

'Well, rather uncomfortable than dead I always say.'


	3. No ordinary love

**Chapter 3: No ordinary love**

Ray's breathing was laboured and his movements were sluggish as he attempted to grab the front of his sweater. Fraser watched him miss twice before he eventually caught it and then the effort of pulling it up almost proved too much for him.

'Let me,' Fraser said and he gently pulled the sweater over Ray's head, also tenderly pulling his arms out of the sleeves. Ray went back to balancing on his elbows. Fraser put the sweater next to the sleeping bag and took off Ray's wife beater. Even in the dark, or perhaps more so in the dark, Ray's skin was so pale and white.

'Lay down, Ray,' Fraser said and he ducked his head inside the sleeping bag to tug off Ray's thick socks. Next were Ray's sweatpants and boxers; Fraser removed them in one go. Quickly he surfaced again and put them on the rest of the stack of clothes. Now Ray was completely naked, only covered by the dark and the sleeping bag Fraser was also in. Fraser was extremely alert to this. Ray's breathing was slowing down and his shivering was increasing in violence. This was not good.

His fingers moved gracefully to unbutton his underwear and within seconds he was naked too. Without even thinking about it he embraced Ray again and manoeuvred them in the same position as before. Only without clothes this time. Ray was not very responsive, which was worrying. On the other hand, Fraser's body was responding in unexpected ways to this new contact with his friend's body and perhaps it was better that Ray was not aware of this. Now all he could do was wait for Ray to warm up. He lay very still, focusing on Ray's breathing, which was slowing down, but in a good way this time. It took, how long for Ray to stop shivering? Fraser didn't know. It felt like forever, but it also felt like only a couple of seconds.

The worst part was when he thought about Victoria. He did not want to, but there the memory was nonetheless. In the same situation with someone he loved, except of course, that went horribly wrong afterwards. He could not imagine Ray ever hurting him like that. Ray was different. And the thing with Victoria was – and he realised this was idle retrospective talk, but still – their love was not...good. He had loved her, despite the fact that she was a criminal and, eventually, a murderer. And she had loved him, despite the fact that he was a Mountie. It had taken him a long time to see that you should not love someone despite who they are, but because of who they are. Sure, you could have a few despites, but they had to be minor. Like loving someone, despite the fact that they leave toothpaste in the sink after brushing.

Ray moaned and Fraser's body reacted instinctively. Awkwardly, Fraser softly cursed. Perhaps he should think about Victoria some more. That seemed to do the trick. But Ray didn't give him the chance.

'Thank you, Fraser,' he hoarsely whispered and his breath against Fraser's bare chest was almost too much for Fraser to bear. Silently suffering Fraser responded unguarded.

'My pleasure, Ray.'

Fraser's flinched and squeezed his eyes shut, but Ray's body remained relaxed. Apparently, he has not realised that Fraser's response was not entirely appropriate considering the situation. However, if Ray moved even one inch to the right then he would find out just how much of a pleasure it was to Fraser.

'I'm serious. I don't think I could have made it without you.'

Fraser thought Ray was being a bit premature, because nobody had made anything yet, but the words pleased him regardless. He replied earnestly.

'Well, I need you to, Ray.'

This appeared to stir something within Ray, because he moved. Fraser could feel his skin and his muscles and his little hairs everywhere. He bit his lip as Ray pulled away from him.

'You don't need me at all. You're used to these temperatures. You're in no danger of freezing your ass off and dying of hype-something,' Ray nearly yelled, while he pulled his arm from under Fraser. They were not touching now and again Fraser was very aware of this.

'Well, that might have something to do with it, but survival rate in these temperatures also depends on your body fat and I simply have more body fat than you do,' Fraser calmly explained, while his heart was racing and down below something was throbbing. Thank God it was pitch black. Ray's breathing was agitated.

'So, I'm some sort of needy, skinny ridiculous person. Is that what you're saying?'

This time Ray was definitely yelling. His arm flailed and grazed the tip of Fraser's cock. Which was really hard. And Ray could hardly have missed that. An agonizing pause followed.

'Fraser?'

'Yes.'

'Was that?'

'I'm afraid so.'

Instead of the sound of disgust or the sound of Ray exiting the sleeping bag, sounds Fraser expected to hear, Ray surprised him again by heaving a sigh of relief.

'So, I'm not the only one.'

At first Fraser thought he must have misunderstood Ray, but as the silence continued he realised he hadn't. Then, shocking himself to the core, he had to fight the urge to stretch out a hand and feel whether Ray was telling the truth.

'Aren't you going to tell me this is a perfectly normal reaction under the circumstances?' Ray asked with a laugh in his voice and Fraser smiled. Here they were. Two best friends, in the same sleeping bag, naked, aroused.

'Well, the whole situation is slightly unusual.'

Ray snorted at that and they both started laughing. After a while the laughing subsided and they were still in the same place.


	4. Ah, for just one time

**Chapter 4: Ah, for just one time**

'So,' Ray finally said, drawing out the word as if he was afraid of what they might say or do next. Fraser knew what he should suggest, but these new feelings were making him weary. This was necessary, yes, but what about the ulterior motives?

'Ehm, Ray, I think we should assume our earlier position again,' he said and cursed himself for the detached, formal manner in which he spoke, while he applauded his control at the same time. Beside him he could feel Ray stiffen, but not in the area Fraser would like stiffened. Stop it, he told himself again.

'But I feel warm again,' Ray objected and Fraser experienced a wave of something wash over him. A wave of what? Disappointment? Don't be ridiculous. He was behaving very strangely; the conversation in his head livelier than the one he was having with Ray.

'You might feel warm, but that does not mean you are warm,' Fraser explained and Ray shuffled closer again. It was different than before. Not so easy and natural, this time it felt awkward and Fraser could sense Ray's reluctance. Though, as Ray pressed against him, he could understand Ray's reticence, because some parts of his anatomy seemed simply delighted at the prospect of being so close to Fraser again. Whatever Ray's or his feelings about the situation he was not letting Ray go until he was sweating. That would mean the danger was really over. The idea of a hot, sweaty Ray made him even harder. Different subject, different subject.

'Why were you mad before?'

Ray's response to the question was to entangle his legs with Fraser, which was just so... Fraser gasped and licked his lips. Ray's stubble rubbed against his nipple and Fraser had to use all his willpower to not move against Ray in return.

'I was getting excited and didn't want you to notice. Also, you were feeding me a line of bullshit.'

'About me needing you? But that's true, Ray,' Fraser replied, before he considered that might not be something one naked man should say to another if the relationship was to remain platonic. But did he want that? He shook his head and his chin brushed Ray's spiky hair. He still put gel in it each morning, though the wind and the hood of his parka had it flattened within the hour. Fraser wondered why he was so concerned with his appearance when there was no one around to appreciate the effort. No one, except Fraser.

'Explain to me how you need me,' Ray said and his voice held its familiar mocking tone, but there was something underneath there too that Fraser didn't understand.

'You're my best friend, Ray.'

'What about the other Ray?' Ray argued. Anger was creeping back into his voice and Fraser found it hard to reconcile the emotion with how Ray's body felt against his. It was firm, he could feel Ray's ribs against his side and the muscles in his arms above and below him, but his flesh was also soft and yielding. His hip was supporting Ray's penis and that felt unlike anything he had ever felt before. Not the way it should have felt at all. The contact was erotic. There was simply no other word for it. And it made it difficult for Fraser to concentrate on what Ray was asking.

'Yes, Ray Vecchio is also my best friend.'

'Well, I don't mean to go all first grade on you, but you really can have only one best friend,' Ray objected. He clasped his hands together over Fraser's right hip, his fingers barely brushing Fraser's sensitive skin and it felt like the fluttering of butterfly wings. Fraser shivered again and tried to formulate an answer while his thoughts were focused elsewhere.

'Well, then I have to say that Ray Vecchio is my best friend, because best friends usually don't do this,' Fraser answered and Ray hitched his leg up which caused his thigh to briefly touch Fraser's cock. Ray jerked away quickly, but then, to Fraser's amazement and intense pleasure, he raised his leg again, so his warm thigh rested permanently against Fraser's cock.

'Don't do what? We haven't done anything yet,' Ray breathed and Fraser could slowly feel his self control slipping. If Ray kept on talking in that whispery, sexy voice he could not vouch for his behaviour.

'Perhaps I am reading too much into matters, but it would appear...' Fraser rattled off, but it did not sound formal at all, because his voice had suddenly gone all raspy. It was as if Ray and he were caught in a battle of who has the sexiest voice. Ray's thigh was still firmly pressed against his cock and Fraser felt as if he was just about ready to come.

'What would it appear, Fraser? Do you mind telling me what it would appear?'

The side of Ray's lips when he spoke moved on the skin of Fraser's chest and it was like a caress. A caress that was not intended as a caress at all, Fraser reminded himself. Ray was just, what would he call it, messing with him. No, Ray would probably say he was fucking with him. But that was just what he was not doing and Fraser was sure that was not what Ray wanted. Thing was, Fraser just realised that this was what he wanted. He wanted to sleep with his partner, his best friend. He wanted to sleep with Ray, so badly. Just this once.

Title taken from a line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers


	5. The hand of Fraser

**Chapter 5: The hand of Fraser**

Ray's skin was very hot to the touch and Fraser wondered how much of this he was imagining. To sleep with Ray; the thought alone was wonderful, but ridiculous. Ray would never. On the other hand, they were both clearly aroused and once upon a time Ray had said he'd try anything. Of course, he was not referring to a future possibility of the situation they were in now. Fraser was suddenly struck by how he could remember almost everything Ray had ever said and done. He knew his memory was good, but this was just not relevant. He remembered vividly the time they had spent in the submarine when Ray had said he loved him again. He remembered Ray hugging him when they had just met. He remembered how awful he had felt that time Ray was shot and he had thought he was dead. He even remembered Ray at his lowest, when he had cried in the car after apologising to Beth Botrelle or when he had punched Fraser.

'Fraser?'

'Yes, Ray?'

Fraser was not sure what Ray was asking. He didn't think Ray knew what he was asking either. Technically, Ray wasn't asking anything verbally. But Ray's body seemed to be asking something. His thigh still in contact with Fraser's cock, Fraser's hip still in contact with Ray's cock. Fraser's hand was itching to answer Ray's question. But what if he did and Ray's question turned out to be a different question entirely? Fraser could not satisfy his desire at the cost of the most important relationship in his life. No matter how much he wanted to reach out and take Ray's cock in his hand, he could not risk that.

Ray moved, pressing a soft kiss on Fraser's collarbone, which caused Fraser to relax and melt deeper into the sleeping bag. Ray wanted this just as much as he did. Tenderly, Fraser brought his left hand up from where it had been resting on Ray's shoulder and mussed Ray's hair. In response Ray rubbed his head against Fraser's shoulder. The thought of being intimate with Ray was dazzling to Fraser. With Ray so receptive and so willing Fraser made a conscious effort to halt his thought process. Enjoy this, he told himself, worry later. Ray pulled away slightly and the next thing Fraser knew was how Ray's lips were on his abdomen moving up at a leisurely pace. Ray's lips felt soft and hot on Fraser's skin and Fraser moaned loudly, which caused Ray to take it even slower.

In between Ray's kisses, which left him breathless, Fraser couldn't refrain from thinking. Did this mean he was gay? He had never been attracted to a man before, but perhaps now his eyes would be opened. Fraser doubted this. Ray was very attractive, it was impossible to miss that, but if he had just passed Ray in the street, Fraser did not think he would feel this way about Ray. Ray was special to him, because he knew Ray. Fraser knew a number of special men; Ray Vecchio for one and Buck Frobisher, who were certainly not unattractive. But they were not special like Ray was; they were not so important to him. Yes, Ray Vecchio was his best friend and Buck was a dear old friend, but they did not compare to Ray.

Ray was kind and funny. Ray was an amazing kisser Fraser catalogued while Ray was navigating the trail of kisses to his neck. Ray was a great cop. Ray was clumsy in an endearing way. Ray was abrasive, but only to mask his insecurity and vulnerability. But this was not unique; what was it specifically about Ray that made Fraser go wobbly in the knees and rock-hard in another place? Ray tilted Fraser's head back gingerly and planted kisses all over his neck.

'Oh dear;' Fraser groaned and Ray chuckled before placing his hands on Fraser's shoulders and straddling him. All thoughts of Ray, except for how his body felts against Fraser's, were gone, while Fraser struggled to keep his hips from bucking. To relax was one thing, but to lose control like that would be wrong. Not something Fraser had done before in any case. It was as if Ray could sense what he was thinking as Ray's hands slid down from Fraser's shoulders to his hands and in one swift motion pinned them to the ground. Fraser couldn't see Ray, but he felt him leaning over.

'Give in,' Ray urged, his teeth nibbling at Fraser's ear. Fraser allowed Ray to hover above him for a few seconds, enjoying the sensation of being at the mercy of Ray, before he rolled them over. Luckily the sleeping bag was large enough for this sort of action. With Fraser now on top, Ray panting eagerly underneath him, Fraser contemplated what he wanted to do most. He found he wanted to hold Ray's cock in his hand and then possibly in his mouth. He wanted to give Ray such intense pleasure, such satisfaction as Ray had never felt before. He wanted to be the one to make Ray come and feel the orgasm go through him. Hear the little sounds he would make as he reached the climax. So, Fraser slid his hand between their bodies and wrapped his fingers around Ray's warm, hard cock. Now he had exactly what he wanted. Then why did he have the feeling that something was missing?

Title taken from a line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers (with Fraser instead of Franklin)


	6. Tracing one warm line

**Chapter 6: Tracing one warm line**

Suddenly Fraser's body tensed up and not in a good way. What was wrong with him? Here they were, in the middle of nowhere and they could do whatever they wanted. He was on top of Ray, still with his hand curled around Ray's throbbing cock and Ray was kissing him.

Ray. Kissing. Him.

That should make him feel good, not miserable. Kissing was not even the right word; Ray was massaging his throat with his lips and tongue and occasionally teeth. The sensation was delicious, but there was something churning in Fraser's mind which almost prevented him from enjoying it.

'Tell me about Franklin, Fraser.'

Ray's breath was hot against Fraser's skin and Ray held on to Fraser's shoulders as if he was drowning and they were the only thing keeping him afloat in a storm. This was not a new question. Ray usually asks this question just as they have settled in to sleep, he jokes it helps him fall asleep. It is the truth too; because Fraser starts at the beginning every single time and there has not been any mention of scurvy, lead poisoning or cannibalism yet. Which is probably for the best, because who wants to hear about men dying who went on the exact same journey as you are on now? Not Ray, that is for sure. This time, however, Fraser was quite certain that Ray was not going to fall asleep and he wished Ray had asked him something else. Better yet, he should have informed Ray that no one from Franklin's expedition survived before they set out. But then perhaps they would not have gone at all, so Fraser had kept his mouth shut. Unlike him and stupid, Fraser scolded himself, but that was not helpful in the least under the circumstances.

Looking down Fraser was startled to find that he could see Ray's face, which meant that Ray could also see his face. They looked into each other's eyes for a moment, before Fraser released Ray's cock with aching hands and rolled off him. It must be dawn already, he thought. This meant Fraser's watch of Ray had indeed lasted for the better part of the night. His left leg touched Ray's leg and he could feel cool beads of sweat on Ray's skin. Relieved he told himself that Ray was out of the danger zone, as far as hypothermia was concerned. And, Fraser reasoned, perhaps in the harsh light of the day they were finished with skirting around that other danger zone too. Ray turned sideways to look at Fraser and seemed to grasp something had changed.

'Tell me about Franklin, Fraser,' Ray asked again and this time his tone was far removed from pillow talk, which pained Fraser. Fraser needed to remind himself this was good and that they had avoided making a big mistake. Fraser even thought it would be better if their adventure ended here, so he decided to not start the story with his own favourite beginning, which detailed Sir John Franklin's previous journeys, but picked another beginning entirely. A decidedly more sinister beginning, and though Ray liked to sometimes be a bit pessimistic, he was convinced Ray would not like this beginning.

'Franklin's lost expedition.' Fraser began and that was as far as he got. Ray's head jerked up and he blinked at Fraser. His gaze was amused, but weary, as if he wasn't sure whether or not Fraser was playing a trick on him.

'What's that? Lost, like couldn't find the way there for a bit or lost, like...lost?'

'They had not lost their way, Ray, it was effectively the latter of your suggestions,' Fraser said and he winced as he admitted it.

'So, everybody pretty much died?' Ray questioned and Fraser found the disbelief in his eyes hard to take.

'I'm afraid so.'

'That's just great. Why did you not tell me this before?'

'You didn't ask, Ray.'

_You didn't ask, Ray__._ That was the best he could do. That was pathetic. Why had he not told Ray about the fate of the original expedition before? How about: I was afraid you would cancel our adventure, Ray. How about: I was so excited you asked me to come with you, Ray. How about: I would have taken every excuse to be with you, Ray. How about: I know what a lie of omission is, Ray, and this is not the only one I have told. Nor the biggest one either. How about: Do you want to hear the most important thing I have never told you, Ray?

Ray rubbed his leg against Fraser and being able to see Ray touch him so deliberately gave a whole new wonderful dimension to the touch. Leaning to the side, supported by his elbow, Ray traced the line of his warm kisses from Fraser's throat down to his stomach, with his hand. Ray stopped to scrutinise Fraser's face, but he seemed not to find what he needed, because when he spoke it was not with confidence, but hesitantly.

'Do you still wanna, you know? We're alone, away from everyone and everything. Nobody will know. Just this once.'

What Ray was saying was crystal clear and it was a lot. Fraser couldn't help admiring Ray for his courage. It was touching, really, how Ray was trying to persuade him, even though it sounded more like Ray was trying to convince himself. Unfortunately, because this was apparently a night full of revelations, Fraser realised the moment Ray uttered the words – the words Fraser had taken forever to realise he wanted to hear - he did not want to hear them any longer. They meant a lot, but they were not enough. He wanted more. He needed more. Which brings us to, what else had Fraser not told his partner before? How about: I am so in love with you, Ray.

Title taken from a line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers.


	7. The way we were

**Chapter**** 7: The way we were**

Ray immediately knew he had said the wrong thing. It was the look in Fraser's eyes. Damn his unfailing ability to always fuck things up. It took everything he had to not curse out loud when he saw that familiar look appear on Fraser's face. The blank Mountie look. And now Fraser was going to say something which would be super polite while at the same time rejecting the hell out of Ray, like Ray had made it all up in his head or something. Like, that's just silly, Ray. Or, Ray, you know perfectly well that I do not regard you in this manner. Something which would make Ray want to kick him in the head. Because he had not imagined some homoerotic shit just now. That was real. So, bring it on, Fraser, he thought, bring it on.

'Thank you kindly, Ray, but I think it might be time to commence our journey again,' Fraser said, which was ridiculous on so many levels. If you had just held your best friend's cock in your hand and that same friend had suggested the two of you have sex then 'thank you kindly' was not a response. And what was with the 'commence'? Nobody was going to commence anything any time soon. They would start, maybe, or begin, or set out, but they were definitely not going to commence. Still, Ray did not feel the urge to kick Fraser in the head and the tone was why. Ray knew Fraser had tried to sound neutral, but he had sounded sad.

'Here,' Fraser said as he thrust Ray's clothes at him. The gesture was uncharacteristically aggressive. Hurriedly, Fraser started dressing, while Ray just lay there, trying to process what had happened and what was happening. What he mostly noticed was the atmosphere, which was full of missed chances, awkwardness and bullshit. The majority of it was bullshit, though. Apparently now Fraser couldn't even look at him. Pawing at each other in the dark like they had been starving for it was fine, but after actually _seeing_ Ray fully naked for the first time Fraser had immediately returned to his composed, regular self, as if Ray wasn't good enough for him. This was...bullshit as far as Ray was concerned.

Let's be honest about one thing; Fraser is extraordinarily handsome. Women could see that; clearly they could see that, since they were usually all over him within minutes of meeting him. Ray could see it too, which was not something, you know, checking out guys, that was not something that Ray did, as a rule. Fraser was just different; you'd have to be blind not to notice how handsome he was. So, Ray noticed. The first time was probably, tssk,_ probably_; Ray knew exactly when he noticed. The first time was after the buddy breathing incident. And then he noticed it a bit more. And from then on Ray had just gone on recklessly with the noticing, as if that was an ok thing to do. As if finding your partner, the man you work with, attractive is normal. As if being turned on by a Mountie uniform is healthy. Fuck, he was so disturbed.

Fraser, however, clearly did not think that Ray was attractive. It was all fine in the dark, but now they could actually see each other Fraser couldn't even look at him. That was seriously screwed up, because Ray did not think he was that repulsive. Obviously not as perfect as Fraser, but still not so unattractive that it would be necessary to avoid looking at him for fear of falling ill, which Fraser was now doing.

As Fraser unzipped the sleeping bags Ray dressed quickly too, until they were both fully dressed. Ray looked at his hair in the small mirror and reached for his hair gel, which earned him a mocking snort from Fraser, so he decided against gel this morning. They did their usual song and dance leaving the tent, but this time Ray was intent on being nice and let Fraser exit first. Again this for some mysterious reason appeared to upset Fraser. Not that anyone would have noticed, except Ray, because Fraser's face hadn't moved a muscle. Fraser was just a little more brusque, not very Mountie-like, with disassembling the tent and strapping on his gear than he needed to be. Watching him Ray realised that it was up to him to broach the subject. In Fraser's hands the whole thing would disappear under layers of friendliness and stoicism.

'Now we just pretend it never happened?' Ray asked.

'As you wish,' Fraser replied, without deigning to glance at Ray. So, that was how it was going to be from now on. They were just going to ignore the attraction – which was definitely there and not something out of one of Ray's many, many fantasies about Fraser – and Fraser was never going to look at him again. Well, you know what though, thought Ray, he was not going to be the one to make that decision, and so he pushed.

'No Fraser, that was a question.'

'I see. Well, I can't deny that it might be the best solution,' Fraser said and for one frightening second he looked due south. And why that is frightening was beyond Ray, because south lies Chicago, which was toasty and dry. Well, drier than wherever the hell they were now, at least. Also south; criminals, mountains of criminals. Ray would take a mountain of criminals over a mountain of snow any day, because criminals are so much more fun. But who was he kidding? South meant a Fraser-less life too, so Ray was relieved when Fraser turned to the north instead. The sled dogs and Dief, who does not take kindly to being lumped with them as a common dog, seemed ready to go.

Fraser had assured Ray the previous evening that, after travelling for two weeks, they would reach Inuvik the next day and they would stock up on food. That was good, because Ray was so sick of pemmican. What was perhaps not so good was that they would then continue their journey on an ice breaker. Ray was afraid a boat wouldn't agree with him. The sled had been fine, because at least he was not the one standing all day and having to whisper Inuktitut to the mutts, but other than that the only means of transportation that had ever agreed with him was a car. Fraser had ruined damn near everything else for him. Boats reminded him of drowning, and the buddy breathing which was good, but still mostly drowning. Airplanes reminded him of being shoved out of one without a parachute. That was when Fraser had also forever tainted the word 'turtles' for him. The man was really hopeless.

Hopeless and hot and most definitely not his. However, they were continuing on their journey and Ray was determined to fix things between them, so all hope was not lost.


	8. Doubt

**Chapter 8: Doubt**

Ray remembered his determination to fix things, but even after a day the memory was fuzzy. As if coated in dust or surrounded by fog. The point was; was there anything to fix? At first he had thought Fraser had been frosty, but he had come to realise that he was just being Fraser. Everything was as it used to be, like the almost-sex had never happened. Except, now Ray was starting to wonder if it had happened. He had been ill, severely ill, on the verge of dying, as Fraser was so fond of reminding him. Did hypothermia cause hallucinations? Ray didn't know and he was afraid to ask Fraser. He had been awake for a long time too. Sleep deprivation also did things to your mind. Made things go all wobbly and weird. So, maybe he had made it up.

The problem was that if he had imagined it he didn't know what and how much he had imagined. The fact that he had made Fraser an indecent proposal? He was 99 % sure that he had actually done that. And they had really been naked, because of the hypothermia and because he definitely remembered being naked in the sleeping bag. But had Fraser been aroused? Had he kissed Fraser? Had Fraser enjoyed this? Had Fraser held Ray's cock in his familiar, rough hand? Ray wasn't sure. The more he thought about it the more improbable it all seemed. One day of thinking about it had almost convinced him that it had been a dream.

Whatever had happened, Fraser remained inscrutable. Sometimes Ray thought he caught a glimpse of something beneath Fraser's carefully crafted exterior, but a moment later there was nothing. As if it had just been the fucking snow glinting again and fooling his eyes.

However, when they had gotten to Inuvik Ray had discovered, to his surprise, that there was an airport there. He had quizzed Fraser about it and of course he had known. Fraser grew up there; he would have known there was an airport. Fraser, on his part, had been exasperated at Ray's amazement.

'Of course I know, Ray. And to be perfectly honest,' Ray scoffed at that, but Fraser didn't even glare at him, 'I was under the impression that you wanted to depart on this expedition immediately, so I acted accordingly.'

Ray wanted to ask Fraser whether he thought that Ray had acted accordingly when Ray had kissed him, but bit his lip, because a) he was no longer convinced that was not just a dream and b) Fraser was already rather prickly. The fact that they had wasted two weeks and that Ray had almost died when they could have just gotten on a plane seemed not to faze Fraser in the least. In addition, it was all Ray's fault anyway, because as soon as they had handed Muldoon over to the proper authorities Ray had jumped right in with the suggestion of the expedition. From there on out he had let Fraser handle everything. So, he really had only himself to blame for not knowing about the depressing fate of the original expedition and not knowing about the existence of an airport in Inuvik.

Which was just stupid, when he thought about it, because hadn't Maggie come from Inuvik? By plane? Or was that another place with an Eskimo – pardon me - Inuit name? Ray simply didn't know. The whole of Canada was pretty much the same to him; snow and ice, mountains and Mounties. But now Inuvik was messing this vague idea up, because it had an airport and a cinema and a North-Mart, which is kind of like a Wal-mart for Canadians, so naturally it also sold quads. Ray felt it was almost like a real town, an American town that is, except it had a quaint feel to it that even the most rural villages in America no longer possess.

That was something to think about, because Ray had imagined Fraser's childhood differently. Like if Fraser wanted milk he would have to go out and milk a mountain goat or something instead of just being able to walk to the local supermarket and buy it. He could not think about it right now, however, because he was intent on sleeping in a real bed for a change. Fraser was grumbling about the extra expense of a hotel, but eventually relented and they took a room with two separate beds.

Ray was exhausted, so he just flopped down on the bed, without bothering to take of his clothes or even his boots. While Fraser took his coat off he looked down at Ray with barely disguised disapproval, but Ray couldn't bring himself to care.

'What? You want to undress me?' Ray asked and Fraser turned his back to him. Initially Ray thought it was because the question had sounded a bit cruel, but soon he saw the blush that Fraser was trying to hide. He sat up straight with an idea.

'How did I get out of my clothes yesterday?'

'What do you mean, Ray?'

Fraser's back was still to Ray and he was now busy unpacking, which made no sense. They were leaving again tomorrow morning. Ray opened his mouth to point out the stupidity of what Fraser was doing, but thought better of it and closed his mouth. He watched while Fraser opened and closed drawers and generally avoided looking at him. When Fraser finally turned to face him Ray dove right in.

'Maybe we _should_ talk about what happened,' he said and his throat was suddenly, inexplicably, dry. Fraser simply made a small hand gesture, which Ray took to mean, go right ahead.

'What are the symptoms of hypothermia?'

Fraser had assumed his reporting to Thatcher position, which was almost military, but now he relaxed a bit and casually leaned against the dresser behind him. Ray could not help but think that Fraser managed to look impossibly sexy while doing this and that this was just unfair. Ok, focus.

'Why do you ask?'

How embarrassing, Ray thought, but he forged ahead.

'Because... I'm asking because I think I might have imagined some things yesterday. So, could I have been hallucinating?'

Pushing himself away from the dresser Fraser came closer and said down next to him on the bed. Ray swallowed nervously. Why does he have to sit so close, does he not know the effect he has on me, Ray thought. Fraser raised his left hand and rubbed his eyebrow. He cleared his throat.

'Well, Ray, some victims do enter a state of delirium. In this case, however, I think that what you're referring to was not a product of hallucinations. I'm assuming, of course, that you're talking about the...' Fraser's voice suddenly cracked, which surprised Ray, because he had been sounding to calm.

Tentatively, Ray placed a hand on Fraser's chest. No, Fraser was not calm; his heart was racing. Next, because Fraser made no move to stop him, he touched Fraser's cheek. Fraser lifted his gaze from his own lap, where it had been all this time, and they looked into each other's eyes. Ray leaned in, slowly, so slowly, to give his friend every chance to pull away or say something to prevent this from happening, and kissed Fraser. The kiss was soft and hard at the same time, but most importantly, it was desired. Fraser grabbed Ray's right shoulder and squeezed and, fuck, this shouldn't feel so good, should it? When, after what felt like an eternity and was actually a good fifteen minutes (which was about fourteen minutes longer than Ray had ever kissed anyone) of licking and sucking and nibbling and gently biting, their lips parted, they were both smiling. Ray's doubts were gone. This was really happening and they both wanted it to happen. So, he employed his most suggestive voice and asked again.

'Fraser, do you want to undress me?'


	9. Say anything

**Chapter 9: Say anything**

Ray pulled Fraser down with him into a more comfortable position. Fraser's fingers were fumbling with the buttons of his coat and it looked as if Fraser was really going to be undressing him, until his hands wavered. No, not again, Ray thought. His friend sat up straight and the blank Mountie look was gone. Fraser's face was telegraphing his feelings loud and clear and Fraser was scared.

'We are going to have sex?' Fraser asked and his voice wavered like his hands. It sounded so awkward and cute that Ray couldn't help but chuckle.

'Well, we are not going curling, Fraser,' Ray answered. Yet, joking aside, wasn't he a bit nervous too? After all, as far as he knew neither of them had ever done this before. It was bound to be clumsy and painful. Fraser sighed and averted his head when Ray sat up and leaned in to kiss him again.

'No, I mean, is it just sex?' Fraser asked and that's when Ray's nerves really kicked in. To be honest, perfectly honest like Fraser liked to say, which is nonsense because honest it honest, so perfectly honest is just honest... To be honest, at that point, Ray would have said anything if it meant he would get to engage in any kind of sexual activity with Fraser. But what was the right answer?

If Fraser was asking whether Ray would be capable of no strings attached sex: sure. He had a long and fulfilling history of casual sexual encounters. Of course, those had taken place in his head, because he had been all about Stella 24 hours a day 7 days a week for as long as he could remember. Also, this was not just anyone. This was Fraser. How could sex with Fraser be casual? Ray couldn't even casually be friends with the guy.

On the other hand, if Fraser was asking for a lifelong commitment, marriage and kids and whatever else that meant, Ray couldn't promise that either. Conclusion: it was somewhere in between there. Between sex and eternity. Definitely more than just sex.

'No, I'm... Would it be alright with you if it was more?'

Fraser beamed at him and that answered that question. Overjoyed, Fraser exclaimed that it was perfectly alright and then he practically mauled Ray, who didn't even mentally object to the use of perfectly there. Now Fraser was definitely on board and he shoved Ray backwards onto the bed. Ray marvelled at how much he liked this new, rough Fraser as his partner's nimble and beautiful hands clawed at his coat and got it off in no time. Ditto all the other layers covering Ray's torso. Hungrily, Fraser's fingers slid over Ray's bared skin and Ray writhed under his touch. Next he worked on Ray's belt and Ray pushed his hips of the bed when Fraser tried to remove his pants. With only Ray's boxers left between Ray's obvious arousal and Fraser's skin, hands, mouth, Fraser, maddening freak that he is, paused.

Judging by Fraser's mischievous smile the pause was deliberate and aimed entirely at driving Ray crazy. Mission accomplished. To retaliate Ray reached out and cupped the bulge in Fraser's trousers, which made Fraser gasp. Quickly, he batted away Ray's hand and began to untie the laces of Ray's boots. Everything was done so gently and so frustratingly slowly that Ray couldn't suppress a groan. A smile momentarily tugged at the corner of Fraser's mouth, but he pretended to not have noticed the noise. He finished with Ray's left boot and peeled off Ray's, no doubt disgusting, thermal sock too. Then he started on Ray's other boot.

Ray just lay there, watching Fraser work. The visual was stunning. To see Fraser taking his clothes off, even his stinking socks, knowing that they were about to have sex, was amazing. The care and time that Fraser was taking with everything, even knowing that he only did it to annoy him, was great. Feeling Fraser's fingers was... fuck, it was unbelievable. Like tantric foreplay.

Finally, his right boot and sock were off too. Fraser pulled Ray towards him, positioning Ray with his feet on the carpet, bend at the knees, but his back still on the mattress. Through the fabric of Ray's boxers he thoughtfully stroked his cock and then, just like that, he slid down the boxers, over Ray's knees and ankles. Ray briefly lifted his feet and the boxers were off. As if appraising a crime scene Fraser got up and stepped back to take a good look at Ray. By the admiring look in Fraser's eyes Ray guessed he was not found wanting.

The situation was beginning to make him feel a bit uncomfortable. He was completely naked and Fraser was still clothed. And the look in Fraser's eyes was unlike any look he had ever known to be cast his way. He could feel the heat of it on his skin, almost as if Fraser's hands were wandering over him. Fraser's smiled at him, and it was a good thing that Ray was lying down, because the smile made his legs feel unsteady. Fraser stepped closer again and nudged his knee in between Ray's knees. He then kneeled between Ray's knees and eased Ray's legs apart even further.

As he took Ray's cock into his hands Ray shuddered. Ray's neck was starting to hurt from the strain of looking at Fraser, but the discomfort was so worth it. Otherwise, he would never have seen how Fraser looked at his cock. Fraser was treating Ray's cock as something you would want to have in your hands or mouth. And his hands were... moving. Hmm, fuck. Ray gave up watching and he lay back down. His best friend was giving Ray the best hand job he had ever had and this was just not possible. People needed to get acquainted with each other's bodies and learn what the other person liked before this could get this good. Perhaps because Fraser was a guy...

'Fraser,' Ray whispered in a husky voice as suddenly his cock was enveloped in wetness and warmth. Looking down he saw Fraser's head moving up and down and the sight almost made him come.

'Fuck, Fraser,' he mumbled and he was surprised he managed to get that much out. His hips started to move of their own accord and he was worried about hurting Fraser, but Fraser just kept going. Fraser's tongue swirled around the tip of his cock and he licked down the shaft and up. His mouth took in Ray as far as he could and he started sucking ferociously again. Up and down. Hard and soft. Ray's hips were moving so fast that he felt like he was not getting a blowjob; he was fucking Fraser's mouth. Every now and then Fraser's teeth grazed his cock and he was starting to feel raw, but it was a good kind of raw.

Fraser's lips softly kissed the tip of his cock, while Fraser's right hand clamped around Ray's cock and resumed stroking up and down. Ray sneaked a peek at Fraser again and caught him looking at the same time. They looked into each other's eyes as Fraser slowly brought his mouth over Ray's cock and maintained eye contact while Ray moaned and came. Fraser kept sucking until Ray was spent and then he lay down next to Ray on the bed. They were both breathing heavily and it took Ray a moment before he could turn on his side to attend to Fraser.

Disappointed, he discovered that the bulge in Fraser's trousers was not hard anymore. Apologetically, he turned to Fraser, but Fraser just shook his head as if it was ok and Fraser put a hand on his chest and pushed him back down. But it wasn't ok with Ray; this wasn't how you did things.

'Are you sure you don't want me to?' Ray asked as Fraser traced little circles on his chest, which felt beyond wonderful.

'That will not be necessary, Ray. I have enjoyed this immensely,' Fraser answered and Ray looked at him uncertainly.

'So, that was good for you too?' he inquired and Fraser must have seen the incredulous look on his face, because he undid his zipper and guided Ray's hand to his smooth stomach. Down Ray's hand went, between the buttons of Fraser's red Mountie underwear, into the warm hair between Fraser's legs, where something wet and sticky waited for him near the head of Fraser's penis. The warm liquid was already cooling.

'It was very good,' Fraser said and his hand rested casually on Ray's hand, while Ray's fingers were caressing Fraser's thick shaft. And of course, Fraser's dick was utterly perfect, just the right length and shape and thickness. Holding it just about killed Ray. And Fraser had come sucking his cock; that was something. Not the kind of something you proudly tell your parents at Sunday dinner, but still something. Yet, Ray's nagging insecurities wouldn't leave him alone.

'Are you sure you are satisfied?' he implored.

'Ray.'

'Because I know I'm not really attractive...'

'Ray.'

'And I'm not much to look at.'

Fraser curled Ray's hand around his penis, which was already becoming hard again and this shut Ray up. It frightened Ray to see how open Fraser's face was as he bridged the distance between them and licked Ray's nipple before kissing his lips. Fraser's tongue was heaven in his mouth and Fraser smashed his lips against Ray's until both their mouths were swollen. When Fraser pulled away it was only to be able to look at Ray while he spoke.

'Ray, to me you are the only thing worth looking at.'

Fraser's dick in his hand and Fraser was saying that he was pretty: he better not be imagining this. But the penis felt hard, so deliciously hard, in his hand and Fraser was still looking at him. Looking at him like he was the only person that mattered. That had ever mattered. And the weird thing was that this look was not unfamiliar to Ray. Fraser had looked at him like this before. Only he hadn't understood the significance. Or hadn't wanted to understand it. The burning look said that Fraser wanted him. And he wanted Fraser. He wanted that hard, throbbing cock of Fraser inside him. So, his internal compliment deflector was automatically activated.

'That's easy to say since all we have seen for the last couple of weeks is snow.'

'It's true wherever we are,' Fraser answered and he was sincere. He really thought that Ray was attractive and beautiful and worth looking at. The only thing worth looking at, to be precise. Ray blushed and tried to accept the compliment, but had forgotten to disengage the automatic pilot.

'Next thing you'll be telling me I'm the only thing worth licking too,' he joked and blushed even more furiously when he realised what he had just said. Fraser chuckled and kissed him again, licking a little at Ray's lips. Ray saw that Fraser was about to reply, so he spoke first. And what he said was just outrageous and shocking and right.

'Or the only thing worth fucking. Fraser, I want you to fuck me.'


	10. How then am I so different?

**Chapter 10****: How then am I so different?**

Now it was time for Fraser to be flustered, but to his credit he didn't bat an eye. He just got up from the bed, causing Ray's hand to be forced to relinquish the contact which Fraser's exquisite cock. Slowly, Fraser took of every single item of clothing covering his beautiful body and Ray was reduced to his basest desires as he took in the striptease for his benefit. It wasn't really a striptease; there was no dancing and none of Fraser's underwear ended up in Ray's lap, but Fraser's moves were so graceful that Ray felt he was getting hard all the same. Even Fraser carefully folding his clothes and placing them on the chair next to the dresser was erotic, Ray thought.

At his side Ray felt his hands twitching for Fraser's skin and when Fraser came within reach again Ray couldn't even wait, so he grabbed Fraser's waist and pulled Fraser on top of him. Fraser' dick rested against his own and the feeling was like heaven. Ray fought to bottle a groan of intense satisfaction when Fraser nestled against him, but to Fraser's amusement he lost that battle.

'Isn't this nice too, Ray?' Fraser asked and Ray almost choked on that term, because this was a hell of a lot more than nice, 'We really don't have to...'

He couldn't say it. The Mountie couldn't say it, which was slightly disappointing because as much as he liked the Mountie and the accompanying uniform, he thought he had been in bed with Fraser. Ray had this inkling that Fraser could talk dirty very well, if it came down to it.

'You don't want to fuck me? This is your chance to have your way with me,' Ray said and this time Fraser did exhibit signs of being flustered. Ray rubbed over the head of Fraser's cock with his thumb. A little bit of liquid dripped out and got smeared on his thumb. Without even thinking about it he licked it off, which seemed to excite Fraser. Ray liked nothing more than an excited Fraser, but he shoved Fraser aside anyway because this wasn't going to work.

Darting across the room to the dresser he tried to remember where Fraser had put it. It had come in very handy the last two weeks. He had reaped the benefits of it during their feverish kissing and the amazing blowjob. Fraser's lips had been so soft. Ah, there it was. Triumphantly, Ray held the jar of Vaseline, which he was hoping would become an even closer friend. He was much too horny to be nervous; jumping back onto the bed and handing Fraser the jar.

'Ray...'

'Don't Ray me. Just fuck me already. I want you to,' Ray said and because Fraser didn't do anything except stare at him with this shocked look on his face, Ray grabbed the jar back. Quickly, so quickly that the jar almost slipped out his hand, he unscrewed the lid and dabbed his fingers into the jar. They came out with a good glob of Vaseline on them. Fraser looked at it and Ray's fears came rushing back to him as if they had never left. What if Fraser wasn't marvelling at his luck? What if he was appalled that Ray could suggest such a thing?

'I'm sorry. If you don't want to that's fine too,' Ray whispered and he tried to put the Vaseline back into the jar, but Fraser's hand stopped him.

'I want to... fuck you, Ray. But if you're doing this because you feel obligated because of what I did earlier, then I don't want to,' Fraser explained and all Ray did by way of answering that question was spread that Vaseline all over Fraser's cock. Fraser gasped as the Vaseline, warmed by Ray's fingers and the heat coming of his own cock, slid down the shaft onto his balls. For good measure Ray scooped up that last little blob and rubbed what was left of it over Fraser's full balls and massaged them a little while he was at it. Then he flopped unto his belly and waited. For a long time. He heard nothing and Fraser didn't touch him or anything and what the fuck was wrong now?

As he got up and turned around he saw Fraser sitting on his knees with a scared and confused look on his face.

'I don't know what to do, Ray,' Fraser admitted, rather sheepishly and damn if that wasn't hot as hell too. Ray sighed and tried to lie on his back, urging Fraser to do the same. Fraser's head hit the pillow, but Ray sorely missed it and he tumbled off the bed. Fuck these tiny beds, Ray thought, as he rubbed the back of his head. Fraser peeked over the edge, but instead of being concerned, like Ray thought he should be, he was laughing. Ray wanted to say 'fuck you, Fraser,' but that would only remind them of what they had been planning to do and how they were fucking that up. They were fucking fucking up, ha. Now Ray had a smile on his face too.

'You've never been with a man?' Ray asked as he just lay back on the carpet, which was much roomier than that stupid bed. Fraser nodded.

'Yeah, me neither. Never wanted to before. I guess you're just different,' Ray murmured. Fraser got off the bed and lay down next to Ray. They were both so woefully unprepared for this. Never even looked at another man, at least Ray hadn't, perhaps Fraser had, he didn't know. Inexperienced with men and unable to deal with the sexual differences – or rather the sexual sameness – and Ray didn't even want to think about the emotional ramifications.

'It's just like you always say a first date is, Ray. A bit of fumbling and kissing and maybe some hand action, but no sex,' Fraser said and Ray saw him biting his lip. How did he do that? How did he remember that? Ray could only vaguely remember saying that and it was nonsense anyway. Something he had said in the car, most likely, during a stakeout or something perhaps, just to fill up one of their awkward silences. The silences were awkward because, hello! sexual tension, but Ray hadn't realised that at the time, so he had probably stupidly rambled something about sex.

'Fraser, we have been dating for more than two years, minus the sex. Tonight is like our two thousandth date, we should have an anniversary cake to celebrate the occasion and congratulate each other with our wildly successful relationship,' Ray told Fraser grumpily and that last word just slipped out. Fraser looked so happy to hear it, but all Ray could think was; shit. Why the word? There was nothing wrong with friendship. Fraser was already the best friend Ray had ever had. Well, except for Stella, but they ended up lovers and married and divorced. So, why couldn't Ray and Fraser be friends, with benefits? Because a friendship is not a relationship. You know how Ray knows that? Friends don't have decidedly important relationship talks. Dirt or dirts as Ray used to call them.

If Ray's marriage to Stella had taught him anything it was to hate dirts, because they always snuck up on him when he wasn't paying attention, the sneaky bastards. He never knew when they were having one. And before you know it you have had several of them without realising it and you were having the last one of them and then - BAM! - you were divorced. If he never had to have one of those for the rest of his life he would be happy, while Fraser seemed delighted at the prospect of them and everything else that came with a relationship.

And suddenly Ray felt so tired. He looked at Fraser's cock, glistening with Vaseline and yes, his own cock twitched at the sight of it. And he was thinking about how the previous night he has almost kicked the bucket, bitten the dust and whatever other colourful expressions for dying there are and he hadn't slept much then and they had to get up early the next morning to leave with the ice breaker and Ray couldn't swim and he was sick of being cold all the time and everyone on that Franklin expedition had died, horribly probably, and they were basically looking for a bunch of frozen corpses and why really? So, to change the subject from the disaster that was their first attempt at sex Ray spoke.

'What are we doing?'

Fraser jerked his head aside to look at Ray, the hurt plain on his face. Ray quickly waved it away, dismissive, but kind at the same time.

'No, not that. It's not about that. What are we doing _here_? What is this all about? What is this quest? The hand of Franklin, the Northwest Passage, what the fuck. What are we doing?'

What followed was a very uneasy silence during which Ray did his best to ignore Fraser's mistake and imagined the two of them staying in the hotel and overcoming their fears and practising a little, or a lot, before returning to the regular world. After Ray's initial freak-out over admitting that they were now in an actual relationship, Ray discovered it was easy to think about the rest. About going back to Chicago maybe and the look on Dewey's face when he would tell him that Fraser and he were an item now. He grinned when he thought about that and telling the other Ray would be even better. Or returning to his old job if Fraser wanted to come with him. Or they could stay here, provided they would get a real house, because Ray didn't think he could stand living in a cabin. Whatever happened, it would be greatness.

Title taken from line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers.


	11. A settled life

**Chapter 11****: A settled life**

When Ray was done devising a great future for Fraser and himself he looked over at Fraser. To his frustration he saw that Fraser had put on the blank Mountie look again. Fraser mumbled something and started to dress. Ray's fist pounded the carpet, which seemed to startle Fraser. Good, Ray thought, because damn, Fraser knew that was not what he had meant. He had been talking about the adventure, not their relationship. He felt no qualms about their relationship. He would soldier through hundreds of those fucking dirts if Fraser would be the one springing them on him. He needed Fraser to know that.

Yet, he was still tired and it felt like every time he knocked down one of Fraser's walls another one just popped up again. As if a dozen of tiny Frasers heard the first wall crumble and they were all like 'there it goes, men, not to worry, we'll just strengthen the other walls, the enemy will not prevail!' and whenever Ray wasn't paying attention the little buggers would build another wall stronger than the one before. It was a fight he didn't feel up to fighting right now, it could wait until tomorrow. So, instead of saying anything to Fraser he got up, put on his underwear and crawled into bed, where he surprised himself by falling asleep immediately.

The next morning he woke up and felt nice and warm and drowsy, until he realised a couple of things. They should have left early and the sun blazing through the curtains said it was no longer early. He had to have a decidedly important relationship talk with Fraser, while he was still unsure whether they were even in a relationship. That was going to be difficult, especially so since Fraser was gone. His bed was empty, his clothes and his supplies were gone. The jar of Vaseline stood lonely on the dresser and Ray felt he was already past panic; he was getting mad. Damn it, if Fraser thought he could just leave Ray, Ray would set him straight.

Collecting his various garments strewn around the room he dressed fast, spurred on by his rising anger. While he was putting on his sweater the door opened and he got his head stuck in the sleeve. Relieved he recognised Fraser's laugh, but his anger did not dissipate. He struggled furiously to get his head through the right hole and when he succeeded he scowled at Fraser as he closed the door.

'Don't you ever do that again!' Ray nearly yelled, but he managed to curb a little of his temper just in time. Nevertheless, Fraser still looked mighty taken aback.

'Do what?'

'Leave without saying anything,' Ray said and Fraser took on this determined, stubborn look. Pigheaded, that was it, Ray thought, the look an immovable object would have. Fraser opened his mouth to speak, but Ray decided that it was time for the immovable object to shut up and listen.

'Shut up and listen. Why did you suddenly get dressed last night? What was that all about? We were about to sleep together and you just decided halfway through that we weren't going to after all?' Ray said and Fraser sighed. All the fight went out of Fraser; he almost visibly deflated, while simultaneously he appeared resigned. And immovable. Ray was still swinging, but he felt less like hitting a brick wall now and more like punching air, because Fraser seemed just not there.

'I think before when you asked what we were doing you did mean this,' Fraser calmly said, though he looked anything but calm. He gestured from himself to Ray to indicate he was talking about their relationship. Ray, on his end, felt like a teenager with the mood swings. One minute he was happy, then angry, then relieved, then sad.

'Us?' Ray whispered.

'Yes, us.'

'But I... I know what we're doing. For fuck's sake, I went ahead with this stupid adventure because it meant I could spend time with you,' Ray explained, but he felt like he was doing a piss-poor job of it. It was true; he had suggested the adventure, because he wanted to be around Fraser. But, again like a teenager, he wasn't one hundred percent sure that he had not subconsciously, Freudian bullshit and whatnot, meant their relationship when he had asked that particular question.

'I thought you wanted to go on this adventure,' Fraser objected and Ray knew what he was doing and he wasn't going to get away with this whole changing the subject thing. Ray would play along for a bit and then he would hit Fraser with it out of left field. Should have kept your eye on the ball, Fraser.

'Are you kidding me? That was dead man stuck between his partner and a wall of ice talk. I may not want that, but I want this, Fraser. You have to believe me when I say that I want this,' Ray was practically pleading and as he listened to himself he decided he really did not like the role he was cast in. Then again, what the hell? If Fraser was intent on playing it rational, then Ray was going to be emotional. If Fraser was avoiding the subject, then Ray was going to confront him.

'But you were the one who asked the question, Ray. What are we doing?' Fraser said and he gazed into the distance. That was impressive actually, because there was no distance, there was just a hotel room with two beds and the curtains closed and it was roomy, but not enough to warrant that look. For the second time Ray felt like Fraser was somewhere else. It was like talking to an empty room. He had this overwhelming feeling that nothing he said mattered and it was not even because Fraser wasn't listening. It was because Fraser had already made up his mind.

'But I was talking about something completely different,' Ray tried. In vain, he told himself, in vain.

'I know you, Ray. Whenever you say that you are not talking about something, that _is_ what you are talking about,' Fraser retorted. He was right, but he was also wrong. Let's play ball, Ray thought. He also thought, what is up with the baseball analogies?

'Well, ok then, let's talk about that. What are we doing? I think we are in a relationship, which is not just physical. Some people might call it dating,' Ray said and it briefly looked like Fraser was back in the game. Really, Ray, really? Is he back in the game? Because it looks like you're batting zero. Stop it with the stupid baseball references, you make no sense, Ray berated himself. Nothing made any sense.

More specifically; _this_ made no sense. They should be happy. It had taken Ray a long time to see just how much Fraser meant to him and Fraser obviously had some serious feelings for him too. The previous night they had acknowledged that when they had admitted to wanting each other and wanting more and everything was out in the open now. Ray was wide open. Fraser, on the other side of the room, hell, of the universe, stood there like a robot. If he had worn a watch he would be looking at it right about now. That gesture would say 'when is this pesky conversation over, so I can go and do more important things.' Fraser's attitude was annoying Ray to no end.

'Your turn to speak, Fraser,' Ray urged.

'I don't think it is such a good idea for us to be together,' Fraser droned and Ray had never before wanted to kick him in the head as much as he did in that moment. He knew that Fraser did it on purpose to block out the emotion from his voice and that Fraser was not insensitive, but knowing that did precious little to assuage Ray's anger.

'Why's that?'

'For one, I plan on staying here,' Fraser said and that took Ray by surprise. An example of his stupidity, Ray thought, because he had been aware for a long time of how much Fraser missed the Northwest Territories. So, this _did_ make sense. That was a nice change. Also, Ray had considered this very possibility and he had decided he could do it. He could live in Canada. For Fraser.

'That's no problem. I'll just stay too,' Ray replied. Fraser still stood ramrod straight, but Ray knew he had dented that wall. He could practically hear the tiny Frasers scurrying to and fro trying to repair the damage. They were fast, because Fraser recovered almost immediately.

'But you have settled in Chicago, you can't throw that away,' Fraser countered and it was so weak that Ray scoffed.

'I have a turtle: that can hardly be called leading a settled life.'

'But you do not belong here, Ray. You almost died of hypothermia.'

'Yeah, and you saved me.'

'This is my home, Ray. I want to stay here and you...'

'I belong wherever you are, I belong with you. You are my home. Yes, that is corny as hell, but it is the truth. Benton, Fraser, you and me, we're meant to be,' Ray said and he felt ridiculous. _I belong with you? You are my home? We're meant to be?_ And he rhymed too. It was too awful to contemplate, but Ray sounded sappy. He couldn't remember ever being sappy before. He was the guy who laughed at sappy lines in sappy films and then he changed the channel, because he did not watch sappy films. Not voluntarily in any case.

'Well, sometimes that is not enough. You'll die out here,' Fraser responded and Ray's heart did a little jig, because Fraser had all but admitted that he also thought Ray and Fraser belonged together, and Ray prepared to say some sappy shit again.

'Fine with me, as long as I die in your arms,' Ray said and for the first time since they had started this decidedly important relationship talk Ray could see he was getting to Fraser. Fraser appeared irked, which was good, because sometimes decidedly important relationship talks could be fights too and Ray was good at those. They would yell at each other, get whatever it was out of their system, and then have amazing sex.

'Oh, stop it, Ray,' Fraser snapped and Ray imagined briefly how thrilling it would be to have Fraser say that at him coyly.

'No, Fraser, you stop it. You can't make me go away. If I have to sound like a sentimental tool to convince you of that, then so be it,' Ray bit back. That was definitely another dent, but the little fuckers were good and Fraser was back to usual in less than a second. Maybe Ray's subconscious was right and this was as useless as trying to find the hand of Franklin. Fraser was used to doing things his way and he often didn't consult Ray. This was one of those times. Fraser was just biding his time, waiting for Ray to finish pleading his case, and then he would announce what he had already decided. That was exactly what pissed Ray off so much, because this concerned him too.

'You're doing that thing again,' Ray stated and if there was going to be sex it was going to be the best sex ever, because Ray had not been this furious before. His fingers were forming into fists of their own accord and he was trembling with rage. He found he could barely look at Fraser's impassive face for fear of assaulting him. By the way, Ray discovered that seeing red is not just an expression.

'What thing?'

'The thing where you make a decision without even telling me. The thing that lead me to punch you in the face once upon a time and almost ended up destroying our partnership. That thing.'

Title taken from a line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers.


	12. To race the roaring Fraser

Warning:** (SPOILER: DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!) **This chapter features some pretty graphic guy on guy sex. Consider yourself warned.

**Chapter 12: ****To race the roaring Fraser**

Ray could not stay in the same room as Fraser. He had to get out. If he stayed there he knew he would hit Fraser. So, he grabbed the jar of Vaseline and stormed out of the room, because he did not want to hurt Fraser. No more than he already had, anyway. While Fraser may have seemed unaffected by their whole conversation, Ray knew this was fucking hurting Fraser. He knew Fraser cared; that was why Fraser pretended so hard not to care. He just couldn't help thinking, while he ran down the stairs and out of the foyer, that Fraser didn't care enough.

'Ray,' Fraser roared behind him, but Ray didn't stop. He barely heard his friend because of the blizzard raging outside. Ray looked around him. Everything was white. How was that possible? He couldn't be far from the hotel; he had been outside for less than a minute. Thank God the snow was dry, otherwise he would have been soaked within seconds and he was already cold as it was. Then again, calmly putting on his coat would have ruined his dramatic exit, so Ray found it difficult to regret his decision to leave it in the room. This was so much better. Now he got to throw away the jar of Vaseline without Fraser even being able to see it. Greatness.

'Ray!'

Ray stood still and waited for Fraser to find him. Yes, he was angry, but not so angry that he was going to risk dying out here. A dim shadow slowly took on the shape of Fraser, until he was standing before Ray. Ray was blinking like a madman, because snowflakes kept getting in his eyes. Another one of those wonderful bonuses of living in the Northwest Territories; you learn stuff like, in your eye one of those fluffy flakes feels like a shard of glass. Ray was sure he had many more of those delightful titbits to look forward to. Well, if Fraser would let him.

'Ray, we have to go inside. You're going to get hypothermia again,' Fraser bellowed in his ear and Ray suddenly got an idea. It was mean, because he could already hear the panic in Fraser's voice and it would be wrong to use that against him. On the other hand, means to an end and all that.

'Well, that's too bad, because I'm not going inside until we have resolved this,' Ray said firmly, trying to keep his teeth from chattering, because that would have ruined the determination he tried to portray. His entire body was cursing him. Maybe he had tiny Rays too and they were planning a revolution against their boss in his head right now. That idea almost made him laugh, but he stopped himself just in time. Fraser needed to know he was serious. About this and about them.

Fraser grabbed his shoulders and for a moment Ray thought that Fraser was going to drag him inside using force. When he looked into Fraser's face, fucking snowflakes stabbing his eyes be damned, he could see that Fraser was considering that possibility. He could also see every fine line in Fraser's face and the bags underneath his eyes. Fraser had probably slept less than him these last two nights. The mask was completely gone. Fraser looked defeated, tired and afraid.

'We can't, Ray. I can't.'

Fraser was clearly on the edge. All he needed was a little push, courtesy of Ray. Or, because Ray decided to go with a happier scene, Fraser was climbing out of a ditch and he just needed a helping hand. Ray put his face closer to Fraser's, so he wouldn't have to scream.

'Have a little faith, Fraser. What does your heart say?'

Fraser took a deep breath and exhaled again. Which was nice, because Ray's face enjoyed the warm air and for some reason Fraser's breath smelled really nice, but it was also frustrating because every other part of Ray was still freezing and yet Fraser was the one with cold feet. Ray, you are hilarious, he thought, even though it is only in your mind.

'The last time I followed my heart I got shot in the back,' Fraser finally said and that got Ray angry. Anger was red and hot and boiling and it felt good.

'I can't believe you're talking about her right now. That's not even... This is completely different,' Ray yelled at Fraser. Fraser was still holding his shoulders and his grip tightened.

'And what about Stella?' Fraser asked.

'What about her?'

'You're not over her, Ray.'

'The hell I am! Ok, what about you and Thatcher?' Ray growled. He was stamping his feet, partly out of anger and partly to keep them warm. Damn it, we don't have time to go over the past, he thought, not while I'm afraid my toes might snap off at any moment.

'Thatcher? That's just silly...' Fraser began, but Ray had neither the time nor the patience.

'I swear to God, if you finish that sentence I will kick you in the head,' Ray yelled and he felt he was capable of doing that. He would just push Fraser over and then kick him in his stupid, stubborn head, not even caring whether he would lose some toes in the process.

'Well, Ray, contrary to your opinion, that is not the answer to everything,' Fraser replied dryly, but his face was still open and suddenly Ray understood. Fraser was scared. Like Ray had been scared, well, honestly, like he was still scared, but was too busy being angry with Fraser to pay much attention to. Anger trumps fear. Except, Fraser rarely got angry, so he was at the mercy of it.

'This isn't about any of them. You're scared,' Ray said.

'Ray, I can assure you..,' Fraser started to protest, but Ray interrupted him again.

'No, listen. I proposed this adventure because the other Ray was back and you would be partners with him again. So, I thought, let's see whether Fraser will accompany me and I'll have that. At least I'll have that,' Ray admitted and it was nice to put it out there. He had regretted that nonsense about searching the hand of Franklin the moment they had been rescued, until he had realised it might be his last chance to be with Fraser. And he had been so far gone that his exact thought had been: at least I'll have that. One final time with Fraser. Ray never would have guessed that Fraser might want him to and that being with Fraser would make him so happy and feel so right. Look at how far we've come, he wanted to say. It can't end here.

'I was not going to Chicago to work with Ray Vecchio. I was going back here. Home,' Fraser corrected and Ray brushed the snowflakes out of his face, before looking at him with exasperation. Did he not hear what I just said, Ray thought. Does he not understand what that means?

'Well, same difference,' Ray mumbled. His lips were starting to get numb and he got that familiar feeling. It was a feeling he had hoped to not have to experience a second time: it was like he couldn't imagine ever being warm again.

'I would be...away,' Fraser said and he was feeling his way around the words, trying to grasp their meaning. Ray had to help him along.

'You would be...not with me,' Ray slurred. Was he really going to have to say it?

'Ah, I see,' Fraser said and it was entirely unclear to Ray whatever it was that Fraser could see. Snow. Ray freezing. How Ray was feeling?

'I really don't think you do,' Ray replied and he knew he was going to have to say it.

'I do see, Ray. The best thing would be for us to go inside and discuss this further,' Fraser explained in this calm tone of voice, which really got under Ray's skin. There was nothing to discuss. He was just going to say it and then it would be up to Fraser. He stepped away from Fraser, allowing Fraser's hands to slip off his shoulders.

'You know what? This is not about what's best. Screw what's best. This is about what we want. And I want you. Question is: do you want me too?' Ray screamed. He didn't mean to sound angry, but he still was and yelling always sounded angry, even if it was to be heard in this godforsaken snowstorm.

'Ray...' Fraser whispered and Ray couldn't even hear him. He barely saw Fraser's lips move, but he knew that his name was the word Fraser had mouthed. It was a plea for him to stop, but he wasn't going to.

'Do you want me?' Ray yelled again. Fraser remained rooted to the spot. Ray would have thought Frazer was frozen, but the time for jokes had come and gone.

'Do you want me? Do you love me? You are sending all the right signals and doing all the right things and saying all the right words, but do you really? Do you love me? Because, you know what Fraser? I love you.'

There. Ray had said it. He had screamed it. Now all he had to fear was Fraser's reaction. Unfortunately, Fraser didn't respond and that was a reaction in itself. Ray nodded.

'Well, that about answers it,' Ray said and he dropped the jar of Vaseline, which up until that moment he hadn't even been sure he was still holding. Man, it took all he had to curl his fingers away from it and it smarted. He started to walk away. He didn't know where the hell he was going and he knew it was customary not to care, but he really hoped he was walking in the direction of the hotel. He was going to survive this, just like he had survived the divorce from Stella. Sure, his life was going to suck, but that was nothing new. Suddenly he felt a hand like steel grabbing his arm and he was spinning around.

The next moment his chest slammed against Fraser's chest, he was in Fraser's arms and Fraser was kissing him so hard. They were clutching at each other and Ray's lips and fingers were sore. Fraser's tongue thrust into Ray's mouth and licked his tongue and massaged his gums and detracted again. It was almost as if Fraser was biting at Ray; it was that aggressive. It was also that hot. Literally hot. Ray was melting under Fraser's mouth, against Fraser's body.

'I do, Ray, I do. I love you. I love you so much, I do. I'm sorry. I love you. I love you.'

They tore apart, panting and Fraser grabbed Ray's cold, cold hand and pulled him along. Before Ray had even begun to process what had happened they were inside. He tried to match Fraser's pace running up the stairs, but his body was still stiff from the cold. Fraser slowed down a little. They were in the hallway to their room. Fraser opened the door, pushed Ray inside and then shut the door. This time there was no striptease. There was no gracefully unbuttoning buttons and folding of clothes. There was just Fraser feverishly shoving his own clothes off. When it came to Ray the undressing was even more unceremonious. Fraser yanked down Ray's pants and underwear, actually cursing when he couldn't get Ray's boots off fast enough to his taste.

The room was filled with their heavy breathing and the chattering of Ray's teeth. Fraser ripped off Ray's sweater, tearing it and throwing it aside without a further glance. Ray yielded to Fraser's pressure and lay down on the carpet. His friend's body pinned him down and he could feel Fraser's heat spreading through him. Fraser turned him over and for an agonising second Ray thought that this was where it was going to end again. Then he heard the lid of the Vaseline jar being unscrewed and he realised Fraser must have picked it up after he dropped it. Fraser's hands parted his cheeks and Ray forgot to be abashed or nervous or anything except excited.

One of Fraser's fingers touched his anus and Ray pushed against it unashamedly. It slid in easily, slick from the Vaseline. Fraser immediately added another finger and started slipping them in and out. Ray couldn't believe how good this felt. It was like the blowjob all over again. Fraser managed to work in another finger and Ray pulled his knees under him to grant him better access. They were both gasping for breath, Fraser's chest heaving against Ray's back. Ray moaned as Fraser's fingers penetrated him deeper and hit a spot that made Ray moan even harder.

'I'll make you warm again,' Fraser panted into his ear and Ray's breath stopped as Fraser pulled his fingers out of him. He felt the head of Fraser's cock nudging against his entrance and grabbed the covers on the foot of the bed for something to latch onto. The tip entered him and Fraser gradually pushed his entire cock into Ray. It hurt like Ray had expected, but it also made him so horny and hard that he almost came then and there. Trembling, but not from the cold anymore, he had to hold still, to stop himself from coming. Fraser wrapped his left arm around Ray's chest and his right arm around Ray's cock and started to rock back and forth.

Every time Ray begged him to go faster Fraser quickened the pace. Every time Ray urged him to fuck him harder Fraser rammed into Ray with more passion. Every time Ray moaned to have Fraser deeper inside of him Fraser found an angle which would make his cock slide just a little further into Ray and hit that exact same spot that made Ray moan long and loud. Their bodies were slippery with sweat and Fraser's hand was pulling furiously at Ray's dick. Ray wanted to cry, it was so good, he relished the pain, but all he could do was moan and slam his back against Fraser whenever Fraser's cock thrust deeper inside him again. Fraser rode him so fucking hard they were both reduced to grunting. The pressure was mounting in Ray's cock and he could feel by the force of Fraser's thrusts that Fraser was close too.

Ray pushed himself up and turned his head as far as he could and Fraser kissed him. They held each other and Ray came first, moaning into Fraser's mouth. He didn't stop moving, only increased the speed of his backwards slams, while Fraser dropped his leaking dick in favour of clutching Ray's hips. Fraser's fingers dug into Ray's skin and Ray knew they were both going to be two big bruises tomorrow. Three last desperate thrusts later Fraser's mouth slipped away from Ray's and he bit Ray's throat softly when he filled Ray with his semen. As Fraser pulled out Ray could feel it spill from between his legs and this felt obscenely great.

'I cannot wait to fuck you,' Ray said and Fraser said he couldn't either.

Title taken from a line in the song Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers


	13. Goodbye, old life

**Chapter 13: Goodbye, old life**

'For now, do you want to cuddle?' Ray asked and he could feel himself starting to blush. It was ridiculous to be awkward about this when Fraser had just fucked his brains out, but he was anyway. Fraser apparently shared his thoughts.

'Ray, it hardly bears being embarrassed about something as innocent as lying in each other's arms when not a minute ago you endured what I can only describe as a sexual assault,' Fraser responded, while he scooted over to Ray, grabbing a handful of covers and yanking it off the bed. Fraser draped the covers carefully over them, tucking them in effectively and pulled Ray onto his chest. With ease and what seemed like years of experience he embraced Ray and their bodies effortlessly aligned.

'Is that how you would describe it? I would describe as the best sex ever,' Ray said as he snuggled closer to Fraser's warm chest.

'Would you? I was afraid I might have hurt you,' Fraser mumbled.

'You did,' Ray admitted and he felt Fraser stir underneath him, but held him down until Fraser relaxed again, 'But only in a good way. And it was the best sex I ever had. Being taken like that, I can't explain what it feels like. You'll have to experience it yourself.'

'I am confident I will very soon,' Fraser said and when Ray lifted his head he could see the smile on Fraser's face before they both fell asleep.

When Ray woke up again the first thing he became aware of was the fact that Fraser's strong arms were around him. He blinked slowly, feeling better than he had in a long while. As he properly opened his eyes he saw that Fraser was watching him. He smiled shyly and Fraser smiled back at him and life was good. Ray had no idea what time it was nor did he care. But he couldn't stop caring, as much as he wanted to only care about Fraser. There were other things attached to Fraser and life with Fraser that also deserved his attention. After the first tumble and a little rest he was ready for a Q & A and another tumble.

'Where'd you go?' Ray asked.

'I'm right here,' Fraser answered and he seemed genuinely confused. Ray noted that Fraser looked adorable when confused and his body took note of that too. Fraser softly chuckled as Ray's erection prodded Fraser's inner thigh.

'No, I mean before. You were gone and your clothes and supplies were gone,' Ray explained and he placed a hand on Fraser's shoulder before sliding it down his chest. Arching his back Fraser watched Ray's hand trace its way down to Fraser's hardening cock. When Fraser spoke it was with difficulty.

'You were asleep, so I deposited my belongings in the foyer and had gone to check on Diefenbaker. I came back to take your supplies down.'

To Fraser's frustration Ray stopped stroking his erection and when Fraser looked to ascertain why he caught Ray looking at him with a well-known look of vexation. Quickly, Fraser put his hand over Ray's to make sure he could not pull away.

'You didn't seriously think I was still getting on that ice breaker, did you? Because I am not,' Ray informed Fraser and Fraser almost laughed at the absurdity of it. Their adventure and the continuation of it on the ice breaker had been the farthest thing from his moment at that particular moment in time. He had worried incessantly about whether he was doing the right thing by not sleeping with Ray, by putting a stop to their emotional and intimate involvement right there. When he woke up that morning he had sat for what seemed like hours watching Ray sleep and he never stopped being afraid that Ray would wake up and read it in his face. Love; Fraser's face had been broadcasting love. He had been positive that all Ray could possibly want was sex. He couldn't care less about the adventure.

'To be perfectly honest, I'm not concerned about that at all, Ray, but we do have a number of things to discuss. Perhaps we can multitask to make it more enjoyable?'

As he spoke Fraser moved his other hand to Ray's erection. They were now holding each other and Ray was intrigued to see that Fraser had reserved a wicked smile, in his arsenal of polite and apologetic smiles, just for him.

'First of all, where are we going to live?' Fraser asked and he tugged lightly at Ray's cock. Ray kindly returned the gesture.

'I would propose six months in the Northwest Territories and six months in Chicago, but it isn't that easy, now is it?' Ray responded, while he accelerated the bobbing motion of his hand. To Ray's delight, Fraser immediately followed suit. Both their throbbing cocks were already dripping.

'Life is indeed rarely that convenient,' Fraser managed to blurt out. He clutched at Ray's shoulder and pushed his cock, with Ray's hand wrapped around it, against Ray's thigh. Soon they were grinding against each other, only able to communicate monosyllabically.

'Live?' Fraser grunted.

'Here?' Ray groaned.

'Why?' Fraser gasped; surprised that Ray would want to live in Inuvik. Also, Ray was squeezing him so exquisitely that he was gasping to keep up.

'Love,' Ray answered and Fraser's fingers tightened around his cock. The friction was almost unbearable.

'Fine,' Fraser growled, spurting into Ray's hand and trying to hold still. However, his orgasm was so intense that he couldn't stop thrusting.

'Kids?' Ray asked and Ray loved how Fraser kept working his dick right through his own orgasm.

'Lots,' Fraser said and he felt Ray come all over his hand and stomach.

'When?' Ray breathed as he jerked fiercely in the throes of his ejaculation. Fraser moved with him, until they both slowed to a halt.

'Soon,' Fraser answered as they lay in each other's arms, sweating and panting. Their breathing eventually became regular again and Fraser caught Ray looking at something on the carpet behind him. Ray leaned over him, which Fraser didn't mind, quite the contrary, to grab whatever it was. Fraser smiled leisurely as he recognised the sound of fingers being dipped in Vaseline. Ray hovered above him, also grinning.

'Now that that's settled, maybe we can attend to other matters. I thought I recall hearing you say that something else was going to happen very soon?'

Title taken from a line in the song With you I never lose by Athlete.


	14. Where did the hours go?

Warning:** (SPOILER: DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!) **This chapter again features some pretty graphic guy on guy sex. Consider yourself warned.

**Chapter 14: Where did the hours go?**

'The way you look at me makes me feel dirty, Ray.'

Ray laughed, a clear and happy sound, because Fraser had been coy. Ray wanted to ask Fraser whether he would say 'stop it, Ray' in the same tone of voice, but his laugh disappeared when Fraser announced that he was going to take a shower. With the Vaseline on his fingers Ray stared at him and waved his shiny hand at him. In response Fraser took his other hand and led him into the bathroom.

'It is just that I'm starting to feel undesirable what with not having been able to wash properly for two whole weeks,' Fraser said and he turned on the shower. Ray just looked him up and down. Fraser's muscular back and his nice and round ass, his lean and strong legs. His pale, smooth skin, his scars and dark hair. During this appreciation Ray's dick rose slightly.

'Nope. Looking completely desirably to me,' Ray said and he shook his head, because Fraser was just illegally attractive, 'As always.'

Fraser turned to Ray and blushed slightly, which to Ray was the fucking hottest thing ever. Turning his back on Ray again, Fraser fiddled with the tap, until the small bathroom was full of steam and stepped under the steady stream. Ray felt like he was losing his mind when Fraser closed the shower curtain.

'Won't you be joining me, Ray?' Fraser's voice asked through a dense mist after a moment and Ray opened the door to the bedroom further, because there was no way he was going to fuck Fraser without being able to see him. The fog started to clear a bit already when Ray pushed aside the curtain and entered the shower stall. The sight that met his eyes made him gasp. Be still my dick, he whispered. Ray was fooling no one; not Fraser and least of all himself. It wasn't his dick that was affected by the vision before him. It was Ray's heart that went pitter-patter. Nor was Ray going to fuck Fraser, they both knew that however rough it might get they made love.

Fraser was standing leaning with his elbows against the tiles looking over his shoulder and as Ray entered the shower he spread his legs. Ray quickly slathered his penis with the Vaseline, though he was doubtful it would stay on for long. He sidled up behind Fraser and kissed his shoulder. Ray reached for the soap and Fraser obligingly handed it to him. After rubbing the soap vigorously Ray threw the bar out of the stall. The bubbles were seeping down his arms as he took his sweet time massaging Fraser's neck and shoulder. Next his hands kneaded Fraser's back and his ass. Leaning against Fraser he kissed his way up to Fraser's left ear and licked the earlobe. Fraser emitted a low growl of deep pleasure.

Unable to restrain himself any longer Ray grabbed Fraser's shoulder and spun him around. Fraser's hand stroked Ray's hair back and Fraser rested his hands on Ray's neck and brought his lips closer. Hungrily, Ray kissed him and the kiss deepened. It was not like Ray had expected; it was tender and romantic. Ray pulled back briefly to get a look at wet Fraser and then wrapped his arms around Fraser and softly kissed him again. Fraser's lips yielded and Ray demanded a little more, sliding his tongue into Fraser's mouth. Ray could have done that for hours. Just exploring Fraser's mouth inch by inch, lovingly teasing with his tongue, pressed against Fraser, with the warm water raining down on them.

Ray carefully retracted his tongue and sank his teeth into Fraser's bottom lip and gave a slight tug at it. As Fraser moaned softly Ray released his lip and moved his hands down Fraser's chest. He could feel every hard muscle underneath Fraser's skin. Suddenly Ray went down on his knees and took Fraser's cock in his mouth. This time Fraser moaned loudly. The tiny mosaic tiles of the stall floor were digging into Ray's knees and it fucking hurt, but Ray was too busy digging his own fingers into Fraser's flesh to care. Ray's fingers were holding still Fraser's hips while Ray's lips moved around Fraser's hard dick. Ray felt the desire building inside him, until he couldn't take it anymore.

With a loud groan – man, he was getting old – Ray rose and gently forced Fraser against the wall. Immediately Fraser spread his legs and Ray's groin ached. He eased one finger into Fraser and then two. Fraser was very tense and Ray doubted he could manage another finger, so though his knees protested he kneeled down again. He parted Fraser's cheeks and slipped his tongue between them. Fraser gasped and he must have been with his face right in the spray, because he sputtered. After opening up Fraser with his tongue Ray's creaky knees survived getting up and Ray slowly penetrated Fraser from behind. Ray found Fraser's cock and he wrapped his left hand around it, gripping Fraser's hip with the right one. They started thrusting slowly and worked themselves up to a leisurely pace. After what felt like a wonderful eternity of gently rocking they rode out their orgasms.

Barely able to stand Ray kissed Fraser's shoulder once and retreated into the bedroom, falling on the left bed. The water was turned off and Fraser walked out of the bathroom and lay down on the right bed. Ray lay on his side to face him.

'Tell me the story of Franklin's lost expedition, Fraser. Every depressing detail,' Ray said and Fraser closed his eyes and began.

A little later.

'You've got a river named after you?' Ray teased.

'Well, Ray, it is not named after me. The river and its name were in place long before I was even born,' Fraser responded, but Ray wasn't fooled. For a short while after they became partners Fraser had gotten away with feigning to fail to recognise jokes or sarcasm, but Ray had caught on soon enough. However, Ray still got a kick out of seeing through Fraser's oblivious Mountie armour, so occasionally Fraser would don it just so Ray could dismantle it. Suddenly Ray's stomach growled and he got up and walked to the window. Upon sliding away the curtain he observed that the blizzard had abated and it had stopped snowing. He also observed it was getting dark, so they had spent almost an entire day in the hotel room. Not counting his outburst and departure into the blizzard.

'How about you get something to eat, while I take a shower and go downstairs to carry up my bags and pay for a few more days in the room?' Fraser said and damn, it was like he could read Ray's mind. Fraser gave Ray short directions to the North-Mart they had seen earlier, while Ray dressed. They kissed. It was a sloppy good-morning-I'm-off-to-work-see-you-tonight-honey kiss, until Ray pulled Fraser closer and finished the kiss passionately and properly. With difficulty Ray managed to tear himself away from Fraser and Fraser sighed disappointedly when Ray succeeded. Quickly, Ray grabbed his wallet and left the room. Closing the door of the room he noted the landing was dark and shuffled to the stairs.

_They both remembered __coming into Inuvik and pausing on the pavement looking at the hotel. A little bit of hope had welled up in them as they crossed the road. For some reason they were filled with joy. They were unsure of each other and of the other's feelings, but somehow in that moment they had sensed happiness lying ahead. Maybe Fraser had been waiting for Ray and Ray had been waiting for Fraser. Anyway, the waiting was over._

Title taken from a line in the song With you I never lose by Athlete.


	15. Just how fragile it is

Warning:** (SPOILER: DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!)** Character death. Feel free to hate me. I hate me. Consider yourself warned.

Author's note: This chapter is called 15.1 because there will also be a chapter 15.2. Basically, this story will have two endings. This one... **(spoiler)** not so happy, the second one... **(spoiler again) **happy. So, though it says 'the end' at, well, the end, there will be more to come.

**Chapter 15.1****: Just how fragile it is**

When Ray left the room to go grocery shopping Fraser practically skipped into the bathroom. He had never been this happy before. Ebulliently, effusively happy. Firmly he closed the door and turned on the stream. With the water beating on his face Fraser smiled. He couldn't help it. He started to hum. Ever since that night when Ray had almost died of hypothermia he had been praying that he wouldn't lose Ray. Please, don't let me lose Ray; the phrase had been playing like a refrain in his mind. Instead he had found Ray. Found the love of his life.

It was safe to let Ray in, because unlike Victoria Ray would never hurt him. Fraser was certain of it. In the words of William Butler Yeats, Fraser had spread his dreams under Ray's feet and Ray was going to tread softly. Fraser had never been so certain of anything in his entire life. Fraser had no need to wish for the cloths of heaven, because Ray had never wanted that. Ray wanted Fraser and would treat Fraser and his hopes and fears and dreams with respect. Momentarily forgetting the time, Fraser showered for half an hour, which he spent alternately humming and singing. He was careful to keep his voice down, because he was afraid that if there were people in one of the adjoining rooms they had already inconvenienced them enough with the sounds of their lovemaking.

After the shower he tidied up the room. Quickly, Fraser grabbed his wallet and left the room. Closing the door of the room he noted the landing was dark and shuffled to the stairs.

(***)

'I knocked on your door 20 minutes ago. Room 13?' the receptionist inquired from behind the front desk, the moment he stepped into the foyer.

'No, we're in room 12,' he answered and smiled at her.

The receptionist looked stricken by his answer and peered in the visitors log book that lay open before her. She squinted at her handwriting and rubbed at the page, becoming increasingly upset. Her face turned towards him and she really looked unwell. Shaken and pale.

'Arrived yesterday evening? Kowalski and Fraser?' she asked. Her voice wavered and she swallowed audible.

'That's us.'

'I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. Your friend fell down the stairs,' she choked out and she was suddenly on the verge of tears.

'Is he ok?'

'I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but he is in a coma. That's why I was knocking on your door, but it was the wrong door. I'm sorry. They took him away maybe ten minutes ago to the hospital. The doctor said your friend wasn't in any pain. He had a broken neck, the doctor said. He said... the doctor said I should send you over immediately, because your friend might not make it,' the poor woman stammered.

'But I didn't hear the ambulance. I never heard the ambulance. Shouldn't I have heard it? Even...' he mumbled.

'Do you want...' she asked, but he barely listened as he wandered away from the front desk. His stomach contracted and his muscles tightened in anticipation of the searing pain that he was sure would come in a few seconds. He threw up in the foyer, leaning against the wall. The doctor has said he might not make it...

He walked outside in a daze. He crossed the road without even looking. He turned to look at the hotel. Shivers were running through him. Angrily, he commanded himself to stop shaking. His eyes sought out the tracks they had made in the snow during their final argument, but there were none. The fallen snow had covered them. He knew he was lost. There was no one waiting for him in the hotel, eager to start their lives together. The hotel was not the same place. It didn't make him happy to see it. It only made him feel like a fool. The road was not a path guiding him to anything. It was just a road. Just a road he had crossed. The love of his life was gone and had left him here.

He knew that was the last thing his love had meant to do. It wasn't his fault at all. It was no one's fault. It had been a stupid accident. He didn't even have the luxury of blaming himself. After all, he could have fallen down the stairs instead. But to think that they had just started out on their own journey and for it to be cut short like this...

He was of two minds. He wished he had done something about his feelings a long time ago. Not been a coward for so long. Come right out with it and confessed how he felt. He wished he had told his love the moment they met. So much time had been wasted and for this he did blame himself. But even then they would have only gotten two or three years, unless they had not gone on this trip.

The other wish that he had was that they had never confessed their true feelings. He wished they hadn't spent 24 hours loving each other, because the memory of that was going to mess up his life. This one day in the hotel room was full of a lifetime of memories. A lifetime of remembering what had been and what could have been. Knowing that the waiting had been over. So, for himself he almost wished it hadn't happened. There was one thing that caused him to regret this wish: he had made his love happy. The knowledge that he, even if it was only for a brief period of time, had been the source of happiness for his best friend in the world, who had not only lost the only woman he ever loved, but who by all accounts had led a pretty miserable life, made him regret the regretting. He had made him happy; at least he had that.

The hospital loomed large before him. That was something else. It was right across the road from their hotel. He took a deep breath, gathering courage from he knew not where and began to make his way inside. A nurse came to his side thinking he was the one who was in need of medical attention. Now when it mattered so much, he wasn't able to be eloquent; he managed to be inarticulate at best. The Nova Inn hotel, he kept repeating. In a coma, he said. When the nurse understood him at last she led him through wide corridors and halls, past other people whom he didn't notice. Eventually they stopped in front of a closed door. She said they were running tests, but basically they could only wait and see what would happen next. Comas were tough to predict, she said and they had only done an initial assessment, so she couldn't tell him anything with certainty. Then she glanced at him and whispered that he should prepare himself for the worst. The prognosis was not good. He took it all in, his face felt numb. Suddenly the nurse regarded him with suspicion and asked what his connection to the patient was.

'I'm family,' he heard his cracking voice say and he almost broke down when he realised he wasn't lying.

'I love him,' he told her and pushed into the room. In the hospital bed with a brace around his neck he lay. Beautiful even now, with a breathing tube down his throat and wires attached to him. But he knew as soon as he laid eyes on him that the doctor and the nurse had been right. He took a chair from by the window and sat down next to the bed. The heart rate monitor was beeping steadily, but he ignored it. He took his love's hand and kissed it. The shaking had begun again and his breathing was heavy, while he could barely hear the breathing of his wounded friend. Dying friend. He might not make it. The prognosis was not good. He took a deep breath.

'It's ok. I'd rather you stayed, because I don't want to live without you. But I see that you can't. I know you would stay if you could, but I see that you have to go. So, it's ok really. I'm sorry. Of course it's not ok. That's a stupid thing to say. You shouldn't die. It should have been me. It should have been me falling down the stairs. No, because then you would be sitting here, holding my hand. No, whatever this is it is definitely not ok. I'm sorry. The nurse told me that I should prepare for the worst. She didn't look like she was the type who believes in miracles and you coming out of this coma would probably be nothing short of one. You and I both know they don't exist. Except, what else can you call the two of us finding each other? So maybe we only get one miracle and that was it. You blew your miracle on me. That must make you feel pretty foolish. I'm sorry. For the record, I don't consider what we had a waste of anything. I wish we had gotten a little bit more time, though. It was the best day of my life. I hope it was a good day for you too. For so long I thought I would never find a home and then there you were. I'm sorry. Selfish, but I want to ask you to stick around for me. Don't. You're only going one way and I will be, well, not ok, but eventually I will be fine. Strange this, talking to you like this. You probably can't even hear me. I love you. I really love you.'

He held on to the hand when the heart rate monitor emitted other sounds amongst one continuing high beep. The door opened and a doctor and two nurses rushed into the room. The doctor told him they had just been coming to see him with the test results which showed extensive, irreversible brain damage. Did he still want them to attempt to resuscitate his friend? He shook his head.

'Will you leave him here for a while? My wolf... well, technically it is not my wolf, he will want to say goodbye,' he said and they stared at him as if he was insane. He put one foot in front of the other and exited the room. He had to get Diefenbaker. It was all he could bear to think about. He reached the elevator. Had he been on an elevator on his way to the room? He couldn't remember. Confused, he looked around him, but he recognised nothing. Look for an exit sign, he told himself. Just stay calm and look for an exit sign. Tears were soundlessly rolling down his cheeks and his vision was blurred. He had to get out.

Stupid, so stupid. He should have paid attention. Then he would never have gotten lost. Hurriedly, he wiped away the tears with his sleeve. He had to get Diefenbaker. To his left he could see the stairs and though he could not remember whether he had taken them on his way to the room he took them then. Suddenly a thought occurred to him, what if he hadn't lied? He sat down on the upper steps and started to sob. It was a lie. He was not fine. He would not be fine. Get up, you idiot and get Diefenbaker, he told himself. As he got up and realised he didn't know whether he should go up or down, he decided that Diefenbaker would just have to swallow his pride regarding ownership and accept it: Dief was his now.

Sinking down onto the steps again Ray mumbled, 'Don't leave me here, Fraser.'

(***)

Ray hated the conclusion life saw fit to provide for their story. So, he took to imagining their story differently. They were on the sled. Fraser was standing behind him, Diefenbaker struggling forwards through the snow, pulling the sled. Buck Frobisher saluted them. Fraser saluted back. Fraser patted his shoulder and Ray's index fingers said let's go. For some reason Ray always imagined that he heard a song. It sounded like the one that Fraser had sung when they had been stuck between the ice. It was very melancholic somehow, like it told of an ending and a beginning at the same time.

_Ah, for just one time I would take the Northwest Passage  
>To find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea;<br>Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage  
>And make a Northwest Passage to the sea. <em>

_How then am I so different from the first men through this way?  
>Like them, I left a settled life, I threw it all away.<br>To seek a Northwest Passage at the call of many men  
>To find there but the road back home again.<em>

They set off on their adventure. And who knew what would happen?

The end.

(-)

Title taken from a line in the song With you I never lose by Athlete.

The poem Fraser refers to in the shower is He wishes for the cloths of heaven by William Butler Yeats.

The two verses quoted during their imagined alternative ending are the chorus and the last verse of Northwest Passage by Stan Rogers.

Obviously the imagined alternative ending is basically the exact same as the series ending of Due South.

Ray's speech to Fraser features some lines from the Due South theme by Jay Semko, which always makes me feel so damn nostalgic.

Additionally, I was listening to Leave me here by Hem (a hauntingly beautiful song) while writing this chapter and some lines have slipped in there too. Mostly the paragraph where Ray wanders outside after hearing about Fraser's accident was inspired by it.

So, that's about it. On to the second ending.


	16. With you I never lose

**Chapter 15.2: With you I never lose**

'Here, groceries. And I told the woman at the front desk they should get the light on the landing fixed,' Ray said as he closed the door behind him. He immediately undid the tidying up Fraser had done, by throwing his coat on the floor and kicking his boots across the room. Fraser tut-tutted, but said nothing. He merely peeked into the brown paper bags and began to take out the food and drink.

'Ah, I did the same,' Fraser finally said as he had unpacked it all. There were cartons of milk, cookies, some apples, loaves of bread, packets of butter, a very sorry looking tomato, cheese, bacon, whipped cream, – Fraser smiled at that – but Ray snorted before Fraser could finish his examination. It was the sort of snort that was always followed by an explanation as to the meaning of the snort.

'Really? You said they should fix the fucking light before someone fell down the damn stairs and broke their fucking neck and died, or worse, survived and sued the hell out of them?' Ray asked and Fraser could feel himself colouring slightly. Being with Ray Fraser assumed he would become accustomed to such language, but even after more than two years of being Ray's partner he had not gotten used to it yet.

'Well, not in those exact words,' Fraser admitted and he took a bite out of one of the apples. Ray ripped open a box of cookies and stuffed two of them in his mouth. While Fraser was still savouring the first bite of his apple, Ray swallowed the cookies and reached for another one.

'I visited Dief too. He seemed a bit cranky, but I gave him a few Oreos and that cheered him right up,' Ray added and he looked a bit guilty. Fraser shook his head at him and took on an admonishing look.

'Ray, I've asked you kindly to not feed him junk food.'

'Sorry,' Ray mumbled, half-heartedly as he unzipped his jeans. Fraser knew he was doing it on purpose to distract him from the topic at hand, but it proved effective nonetheless. Ray's sweater and shirt and socks and boxers were also discarded and Ray grabbed a carton of milk and the rest of the cookies before crawling into bed. Fraser quickly undressed too, under Ray's watchful eyes, and they managed to squeeze together into one bed. Fraser ate his apple and Ray munched on his cookies, managing to get crumbs all over everything. Once Ray had eaten all his cookies he drank some milk and splashed some on Fraser. He claimed it was accidentally, but Fraser very much doubted it. However, because Ray's tongue took care of it Fraser found it hard to care. Ray's tongue then explored some areas that had not been affected by the supposed accident and Fraser put the apple aside.

(***)

Twenty minutes later.

'So, what am I going to do here? Play housewife?' Ray eventually asked after Fraser had resumed eating the apple. Fraser had thought about this actually; because he knew Ray would not be contend without something on his hands.

'You could become a Mountie,' he suggested earnestly and Ray's response was to guffaw. Rather more loudly than was necessary, Fraser thought.

'That's just stupid. I can't,' Ray protested, after he had gotten the laughter out of this system. Fraser asked him what he meant and waited patiently for Ray to formulate an answer. Despite or because of the ridiculousness of the suggestion, this took quite some time. Ample time for Fraser to finish eating his apple. He balanced the apple's core on the nightstand and turned to face Ray again.

'Because we would never get to have sex. I think I can manage one uniform with the buckle and straps and buttons, but I'm sure it's a hassle. Two? I don't think so,' Ray said.

'I dimly recall you saying that undressing was a kind of foreplay,' Fraser responded and Ray smiled at him.

'Did I? That does not sound like me at all.' Amused, Ray lengthened the vowel of the last two words, by which he also lengthened Fraser's cock. Disbelieving Ray was so sexy.

'Yes, you did. A mere ten minutes ago,' Fraser said and Ray tried to save face by saying that there was a thing as too much foreplay. Unfortunately, Fraser had the appropriate response ready for that too, since Ray had ten minutes ago also said that there was no such thing as too much foreplay. Ray sighed, defeated and pouted.

'Are we at the point in our relationship already where you throw things I said back at me?'

'Your argument just does not make sense,' Fraser said calmly. He shifted a bit uncomfortably, because he was lying on the crumbs of Ray's cookies. Meanwhile, Ray appeared to be searching for another reason.

'Well, I would look ridiculous in the uniform,' he finally told Fraser.

'Do you think I look ridiculous in it?'

'No, but you look good in anything. Or nothing,' Ray flirted and he lifted the covers to take a sly peek at Fraser's body. Fraser let his hands wander over Ray's chest and stomach.

'The regulation uniform would suit you, I imagine. You are a very beautiful man, Ray,' Fraser said and under his touch and the effect of his words Ray shuddered.

'Now I see what you're trying to do. Seducing me into wearing a uniform. You're sneaky, Fraser.' Ray wagged a finger at Fraser and took Fraser's hand into his own. Their fingers entangled and Fraser laughs.

'What?' Ray asks, bemused.

'I do seem to be going about this entirely the wrong way. Talking you into clothing when it is customary to talk your lover out of clothing,' Fraser explained and they smiled at each other. This was nice. Just lying there, holding hands. Ray's face lit up suddenly.

'Mounties are all strange,' he said as if that settled it.

'In what sense?' Fraser asked and he was curious. He was acutely aware of the fact that he himself was a bit out of the ordinary, but he didn't know whether this strangeness was inherent in other Mounties.

'Frobisher is a nutter, Thatcher is scary, Turnbull is an idiot and as much as I fucking love you Fraser, even I can see you're a freak. The most normal Mountie I've met is probably Maggie,' Ray summed up and his fingers twitched as if he was ticking items of a list one by one.

'Why thank you,' Fraser replied dryly, but the wheels in Ray's mind kept turning.

'On the other hand, a number of you are easy on the eyes. You, the Mountie girl from the boat, weirdly the ice queen, Maggie...'

Fraser was a bit taken aback by the way Ray had said 'Maggie' and then trailed off dreamily.

'Ray, I'd like to remind you that Maggie is my sister,' Fraser said in a stern voice, but Ray grinned at him wickedly. Got you, Ray's eyes said, and reassured, Fraser smiled too.

'Additionally, I happen to think Constable Turnbull is also rather attractive,' Fraser continued and Ray made a sound of disgust, which surprised and unsettled Fraser. Perhaps Ray wasn't as accepting of their newfound sexuality as he had made him believe.

'Why that sound? Because he is a man?' Fraser said and as he listened to himself speaking he realised he sounded a bit upset. Moving to get a better look at his face, Ray seemed to notice it too.

'He's not a man. He's Turnbull. And by the way, don't you have to be Canadian to become a Mountie?' Ray questioned, expertly assuaging Fraser's fears, while at the same time changing the subject. It was not the thought of Turnbull as an attractive man that freaked out Ray, (ok, that _too_) but the thought of Fraser being attracted to him. Ray wanted to be the only man, the only one, for Fraser.

'I've always thought you looked Canadian,' Fraser said, out of the blue and Ray burst out laughing, because what the hell does that even mean?

'Or, Canadian looking or not, I could just apply for a job as a police officer. They do have normal police officers in Canada, do they?' Ray asked and Fraser wondered at Ray's ignorance of all matters not American. And even some matters American. Like art or literature. Then again, this was why he loved Ray. Ray was vivacious and impulsive and jittery. Not the kind of man who paid attention in school or could sit still long enough to read a book. That Ray was knowledgeable in areas that vastly differed from Fraser's field of experience was not what bothered Fraser, however. Fraser turned to Ray with a concerned look on his face.

'Now that we are discussing our future it seems to me that you are giving up a great deal more than I am. You lose your place of employment, your country, you are moving away from your parents...' Fraser rambled, but Ray interrupted him.

'You are being a bit dramatic. We can celebrate vacations in America, can't we?' Ray objected and winked at Fraser. Fraser just mumbled that he had thought they would spend those in his father's cabin.

'Great idea, that'll be different,' Ray agreed, but his voice was laced with sarcasm. Upon seeing Fraser's face Ray amended that he really didn't care where they would spend their vacations. He wasn't very good at those anyway. He was much more at ease catching and interrogating criminals; it was what he did best. Well, aside from loving Fraser.

'And your parents?' Fraser said, in a small voice. The sacrifices Ray was making, for him, were making him feel guilty, but also loved. Loved in a way he had never felt loved before.

'Trust me; I'm doing my parents a favour. Don't worry about it, Fraser. We'll figure something out. Besides, with you I never lose. Except at poker,' Ray concluded and he squeezed Fraser's hand. Seeing that Ray meant every word of it and finally realising that there was nothing that was going to prevent them from being together, Fraser relaxed.

'You do still owe me a lot of air,' Fraser said. A smile was tugging at his lips as he attempted to remain serious. Ray was experiencing the same difficulty as he leaned closer to Fraser and opened his mouth, sliding his tongue over his lips. Fraser considered it the most sensual gesture he had ever witnessed.

'You want me to pay you back some of it now?' Ray asked, innocently. Fraser nodded and kissed Ray passionately. After a minute Fraser mounted Ray, while he kept kissing him feverishly. Gasping for breath Ray gently pushed him away.

'Easy there. You've got the rest of your life to collect that debt,' Ray gasped and Fraser pinned his hands to the mattress before leaning back in. 'I intend to', he whispered, 'I intend to.'

The end.

(-)

Title taken from a line in the song (surprise!) With you I never lose by Athlete.


End file.
